I’ve spent the last couple of weeks thinking I wanted a relationship with Tom again. I know deep down that I don’t. He stifles me. Having spent a bit more time than usual with him this week, with the kids being home, I can see that he’s exactly the man he was, the man I left. He’s still controlling, still belittles me, still does all the same shit he always did and if I got back with him, he’d do it all the more. I haven’t spent the last three years building my family up to this level for him to destroy it all over again
I realised I’ve been spending time with Tom as I really enjoy male company, however, I have to stick to the realisation I had a few weeks ago which is that I don’t want a relationship. This isn’t the time in my life to be having a full-on, heavy thing. This is the time in my life for my children and for me and for the first time ever, in my entire life, I am finally starting to put my needs first. I have the occasional battle with myself that I’m being selfish but I’m not really. I know I’m not.
Tonight Phil rang me and we chatted. He hinted about us getting back together so I was straight with him. I told him, quite bluntly that I didn’t want a relationship. Not with him, not with anyone. I told him the only thing I want that I don’t already have is sex. I want a man in my life as and when it suits me. I want a man that gives me sex, satisfies my need for male company when I need it and then doesn’t play any further part in my life.
Phil offered to be that man.
I’m not sure it’s a good idea, due to his emotional connection to me but on the other hand, it’s a great idea. I get to have company with an intelligent man. A man that I can say anything I want to say and it be met with an open mind and a discussion. I get to have sex with a man who already knows my body and a man I feel comfortable with to have sex with, without the initial awkwardness and getting to know each other crap and I get my emotional needs met to some extent too because he’s caring and gentle.
I do have an issue with his feelings for me but I’ve been totally honest with him that it would be more or less always on my terms and only when I feel like it. I’ve given him numerous opportunities to change his mind and have told him if at any point he wants to date other people or have a proper relationship, I won’t stand in his way.
For the first time in my life, I have made a decision that a lot of people would consider to be selfish and I don’t feel the slightest bit guilty about it. I’ve outlined everything to Phil and he’s aware of all of my intentions and says he’s going into this with his eyes open and that he has no further expectations.