When Josh was born, 23 years ago, I started writing books for him about his childhood and our lives together, I then continued when the girls were all born. Over the last few days, I’ve spent time designing the covers for the books and it has been thought-provoking. It has brought up many emotions and feelings, mainly anger. I’m suddenly feeling really angry towards Danny and Greg. Not for what they did when we were together but for being so unsupportive of their children and of me, as the mother of their children, since we’ve been apart. I feel so angry at how they’ve both moved on with their lives with little or no regard to how their children are doing while I’m here holding all the pieces together every single day.
The book covers also made me see how alone I’ve been over the years, and how lonely. Out of 23 books, so 23 years, there are only 11 books/years that I’m not living on my own and really that’s not a true representation because some of the years, the person was only there for a part of the year. Really it’s more like 8 years out of 23 or two-thirds of my adult life that I’ve been on my own, raising my children alone and supporting them and myself with little or no help.
The other thing I realised was just how scared I am to have a relationship with anyone again. I put my single life down to choice but really I’m scared. Phil has, so far, proved himself to be totally different to Danny, Greg and Tom but I cannot bring myself to commit to even being in a relationship with him, let alone anything in the future, or anything serious because I am too scared. I am scared for many reasons which can only mean one thing. If I don’t face my fears one day and do it all anyway, I’m going to be alone and lonely for the rest of my life. That’s a very sobering thought. Deep down I know I could have a wonderful relationship with Phil but I’m too scared to let go and let it happen in case I’m wrong. In case he treats me like shit. In case he stops supporting and loving me too.