To Be or Not To Be

To Be or Not To Be 2013

I spent the afternoon with Phil today. It was perfect. Every time we’re together it feels so good. Being with Phil is the only time I feel grounded, the rest of the time I feel slightly out of control and very empty and yet I still can’t say that I won’t end things with him again in a few weeks when something gets to me and I stop loving him again. Why do I stop loving him and then start again a couple of weeks later? I don’t understand why I do this at all. I completely convince myself, with 100% certainty that I don’t love him, that I never did and never will and then once I’ve got over myself I want him back and then for a few weeks, everything is fantastic, I feel deeply connected and totally in love . . . until the next time. Why?

I can’t fake, not even to myself, the way I feel when I’m with him. I feel amazing. It feels right. I know I am feeling love for him, so why then does it suddenly stop?

I’ve been really scared recently that I may have something wrong with me, maybe Bipolar or have some other mental illness because I don’t think what I’m feeling, this on/off thing, is right at all. I even researched mental disorders but I didn’t match any of the symptoms. I then googled, ‘One minute I love him, the next I hate him’ and I found a load of information on The Hamlet Syndrome and it fits. It’s basically ambivalence I am suffering from and this, from a website I came across, sums me up totally.

Why do we act ambivalent in our intimate relationships?  Because we are afraid.  We fear being exposed.  We don’t want to be rejected.  We’re afraid of making the same mistakes we’ve made in the past.  We fear allowing ourselves to become too vulnerable.  We don’t want to risk being dumped and abandoned.  We fear being known.  We’re afraid of being tied down and trapped.  We don’t want to feel engulfed.  We fear losing our independence. We don’t want to be controlled. We’re afraid that anyone who gets to know us too well won’t want us anymore.”

I know my issue is fear, I am literally crippled by it at the moment, in all areas of my life. I am ambivalent about everything, mainly Phil but deep down, I know that having a proper relationship with him, one where we live together and/or marry, would be very satisfying. I had a massive ball of anxiety rise in my chest as I wrote that, but deep down, I know it to be true. Phil is a good man with a good heart and a kind soul and he loves me unconditionally.

I really want to drop all of these fears I have about relationships (the fears aren’t even about Phil, they’re about all relationships, with any man) and make changes in my life instead of sitting here, every single day, existing with the same dull life that isn’t doing anything or going anywhere. I’m settling for an ordinary dull life on my own because I’m scared.

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