I missed Phil like mad all day today. I was longing to see him, to snuggle in his arms and just talk. I decided to book something as a belated birthday present for him in the form of a night away, a concert and some presents. I decided on the date of 14th September. I spoke to Phil on the phone and he happened to mention he’s going to see his Grandparents on the 13th and travelling back on the 14th. I realised he may be too tired to go away that night and found myself withdrawing from him. That familiar feeling of not wanting him or not loving him returned and all it took was him not being available when I wanted him to be, even though he knew nothing about it.
This is about rejection.
This is my feeling of rejection coming into play. I felt that he was rejecting me, choosing something else over me, even though he couldn’t possibly be doing that, and so I started to shut down and turn my back on him and what I feel for him.
I think I caught it in time this time. I think. There is still a little bit remaining and I must keep that in check. I don’t want to lose this feeling again. I hate this. I hate being broken and I hate that my brokenness then serves to break what I feel for Phil.