I went to Phil’s last night despite my feelings earlier in the day, actually because of them. I needed to go and not start backing out again. It was nice. We had a takeaway, watched music videos and got slightly drunk. We stayed up till 4.30am talking shite and having sex but I felt detached and numb. I was irritable and loaded with PMS rage but kept it under control.
Today I woke and although I still don’t have that overwhelming love feeling, I felt comfortable and relaxed and maybe all I need to do is stop worrying about not adoring him and just accept that it’s okay to feel as though I love him less than I think I should.
We talked a lot today but I found myself becoming bored and restless. Not because of him or anything we were talking about but because we’ve spent four days together in bed doing nothing but talk and have sex and I needed to do something else. It wasn’t even that I needed to be on my own or away from him, I just needed to be in my home, with the kids, doing my own thing and I’m accepting that’s okay too. It’s normal.
Phil spoke of his fears about Tom and how he’s concerned that he’ll be nothing more than the bolt-on in the family and that Tom’s position is already so well established that Phil won’t have a place. I can’t let that happen. I don’t want Phil to feel that way now or after we move in together but Tom is a part of our lives and I’m assuming, will remain so. It’s such a juggling act to ensure that everyone is happy and I know most people wouldn’t worry about their ex’s feeling in such a situation but I’m not most people and I do care that Tom may feel pushed out but equally so I care that Phil is having these fears too.