The Continuation of Conflicted Feelings

My feelings for Phil have changed, yet again. How many times does this have to happen before I act on them? How many times am I going to feel as though I do love him and the next thing he’s the last man I want? It started on Saturday. He was due to come over, as arranged but I didn’t really want to spend the night with him, however, as it was planned, I did it anyway. I didn’t feel close to him at all and resented that him being here was preventing me from having some time to myself. I ended up going to bed before him, while he sat up talking to Josh, which has never happened before.

On Sunday morning we woke and had sex but I wasn’t in the mood one bit. I gave him oral sex and it turned my stomach. The smell of him (not that he smells), the sight of him, his groans, everything and then he came inside of me and it repulsed me. I went and showered almost immediately to try and get rid of it. I got up soon after to make a roast and couldn’t help wondering why I was doing that. Sundays are my easy days where I don’t spend hours cooking. Instead, while I cooked, Phil stayed in bed relaxing. Eventually, he got up and we watched a film. I then asked him to pop to the shop to grab something I’d forgotten and he took so long that the dinner was almost ruined. We ate dinner with him afterwards handing me his plate to clean! I snapped at him for that and he laughed it off saying he’d done it purposely to see my reaction but it made me realise it’s not the first time he’s done that. The same as he sits and waits for me to make him drinks when he’s here but in his house, I get up and do it for myself as well as for him.

Later we walked Jasper, he constantly wanted to hold the lead and constantly talked to Jasper in that ridiculous voice saying, ‘Jasper loves me’ and ‘Who’s a good boy?’  Fuck! It annoys me.

I couldn’t wait for him to go home last night so I could have some me time again, even though the older kids were home and Annie back within 5 minutes of Phil leaving, it still felt as if I was getting my me time again.

Today Sasha came over, she talked about Clayton, the man she’s had an affair with, and how he’s met the kids and how he’s trimmed her tree back and going to build her a new path and how he can cook and how sexy he is and how much she loves him and I realised that I just don’t ever talk that way about Phil.
– He’s bloody useless at DIY to the point that we’ve agreed he’ll never do anything DIY related, not even decorating because he’s so bad at it, on his own admission. Really it’s not that he’s crap, just that he’s so haphazard and careless that it would be a mess.
– He doesn’t really do housework, his flat is fairly tidy but it’s not clean at all.
– He says he can garden but I know he’d go at it like a bull at a gate so I’m really questioning what he will be bringing to the relationship in terms of running a home.
Am I going to be doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, gardening, decorating and DIY as I do now and if that’s the case, what’s the bloody point? Of course, none of that would really matter to me if I really loved him but I’m back to square one again. I don’t think I do love him. I’m with him for reasons other than being in love with him and I desperately need to sort this out before it’s too late to turn back.

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