If ever I needed an answer to my many questions it was now. If ever there was such a thing as Divine timing it was in this moment. My dilemma with Phil. My stresses and my ever-changing mind.
Last night on Facebook, typing She….. into the search bar to look for an old friend, it brought up a list of alternative options staring with She. One of those was Theo. (His surname starts with She.) It’s not the first time this has happened but this time his new profile picture caught my eye and I just felt that it was the right thing to do to send him a message. There wasn’t a great deal of thought behind it other than bearing in mind the ripple effect and how this may impact on him but I assuaged my doubts by sending him a simple hello, after which we exchanged a few more emails. It was good to hear from him, not only because I like talking to him because he’s intelligent, mature and funny but because he makes me think and he makes me analyse myself and my life and because he has, by replying, made me feel more alive than I have in months. This isn’t because I envisage a wild love affair with Theo or anything else for that matter. It’s because there’s a spark, an attraction with him that I don’t feel with Phil. Reading and writing those emails this morning made me realise how dead I feel with Phil. It’s so secure, so safe, so boring. It’s so pre-determined and so dull. Life with Phil is comfortable and easier but it’s dull and every time I have felt insecure or scared or needing comfort and support I have run straight back into Phil’s arms instead of just facing up to the pain and waiting for it to pass and then each time I have gone back to this dull existence where nothing feels exciting, nothing even feels new or interesting. Nothing sparks me. It’s just safe, and safe is boring me into a half-life. Emailing Theo has opened this up for me. Theo hurt me last time, he hurt me a lot. I never wrote about it until now as I felt ashamed of my pain. I slept with him, I didn’t want more but when he didn’t get in touch again, it really hurt. His actions led me to pain, to look at myself harshly, to judge him wrongly and not to trust myself to keep going. Theo’s actions led me straight back into what I already knew about Phil. With Phil I knew I would NEVER get hurt. I knew he was dependable and trustworthy and safe but fuck me, that gets boring after a while when there’s no attraction or passion! I’m already seeing how life/marriage would be with Phil. I can already see that within weeks or months I would be looking elsewhere for some fun because he holds me in a place I don’t want to be. He holds me in his safety net because he needs me to be there. He keeps me as the ‘victim’ that he has to look after and cherish because that’s the type of love he believes in but it’s not the type of love I believe in.
I believe in excitement and fun. I believe in taking risks with my heart. Emailing Theo could lead me to more heartache, in fact it most probably will but I’m going to do it again because life is for living and experiencing not just for staying as safe and comfortable as possible and even if nothing else ever happens with Theo other than a few emails, then it’s enough because it’s showed me what I’m excluding in my life and it’s shown me what I need in my life and what I need to do to achieve it. I have to go back to what I wrote in 2010, shortly after leaving Tom where I promised myself I would love no matter what. Back then I meant with a man. Maybe now the promise I need to make to myself is to love myself no matter what, to risk pain and heartache because it was the only way to ever live a full life, not a half life.
I found this anonymous verse online and it’s perfect in summing up life.
.Half of Everything
I want the up, but not the down; I want the smile, but not the frown.
I like the Yes, but not the No; don’t want to stop; just want to go.
Don’t want the darkness, just want the light; I want the day, but not the night.
I want the honey, but not the sting; I want half of everything.I like the fire, but not the burn; I want to know-don’t want to learn.
I like Hello, but not Goodbye; I want to live, don’t want to die.
I love to scratch, but not to itch; I love the goddess, but hate the bitch.
I want the honey, but not the sting; I want half of everything.I like the half that makes me happy, and hate the part that makes me sad.
I love the gorgeous, the sweet and the good; I hate the ugly, the bitter, the bad.
I like the pleasure and hate the pain; I worship the sun and shun the rain.I want the honey, but not the sting; I want half of everything.