It’s been weeks and weeks since I last had a Saturday night/Sunday to myself. Last weekend Annie and the girls were home because Tom and Greg were both away. The two weekends before that Alice and Katie were home because Greg was away plus every weekend previous to that I’ve spent it with Phil, either here or at his but last weekend I decided as all the girls would be at their Dads’ and Josh at work, that I would tell Phil I wouldn’t be seeing him this weekend and I would have some much needed me time.
Except now it’s here and I’m bored out of my brain. I feel really lonely and lost. Annie went to play at her cousin’s at 11.30am so I’ve been on my own ever since. I’ve got to pick her up in an hour or so but all I’ll be doing with her is dropping her to Tom’s. I feel as though I should be loving this extra time but I’m not at all. I feel so empty. My mood all week has been so good, I’ve felt totally fulfilled and without longing but suddenly it’s hit me again. This damn fucking emptiness, born more out of the fact I have nothing to do with my time. I could spend it putting crap on eBay or tidying up or walking around the shops aimlessly. I could even spend it working but right now, I don’t feel like doing anything but in doing nothing, I feel emptier.
There’s really not much point in having time to myself when I waste it and feel like crap because of it but that’s not going to make me rush down to Phil’s purely for comfort, as tempting as it is, because the fact remains it would be for comfort and to ease this emptiness rather than for any other reason and then I would kick myself for giving up my only free time to spend it doing nothing but shag and sleep when there are so many other things I could be doing.