I spent this evening scanning in all the photos and mementoes from some of the boxes Mum lent me of old family photos. In one of the boxes, I found a card that I made for Mum on the day Sasha was born. I was 6 at the time and I wrote, “I hope you have had a pretty baby!”After laughing with Sasha about the card I got to thinking about it. How normal is it for a 6-year-old to actually care that their new baby sister is pretty? I don’t recall any of my children ever saying anything like that when there were any babies born. It made me wonder if looks are just really important to me or if, even by the age of 6, I was conditioned to think that looks are important?
I have spent the last 22 months trying to settle an argument within myself about the way Phil looks. Phil is not a physically attractive man but he’s a nice person and I’ve spent the entire time trying to convince myself to see the beauty inside regardless of the outside packaging and to be fair, the inside is pretty good, but I just cannot get it to sit comfortably. Chatting to Theo a little over the last week has really spiked my enthusiasm and passion; he’s really good looking and I’m very attracted to him on that level. On any other level, I don’t know because I don’t know him enough and I don’t know that I ever will be but I’m starting to think that instead of desperately trying to convince myself that looks don’t matter and the physical attraction doesn’t matter, instead I should just go with what comes naturally, admit I don’t fancy Phil by looks at all and wait until I meet someone I’m physically attracted to, rather than settling for a ‘nice’ person.
I’m also fighting with how shallow all of that makes me sound and so I’ll have to admit then that I am shallow, that looks matter to me. That I am not the kind of person to see beyond the outside layer to what’s underneath. I’ve tried. God knows I’ve tried and at times I’ve succeeded but it never lasts and I almost know that if I were to be with Phil properly, I’d probably be attracted to someone else in the future and would probably act on that and I don’t want to do that to him. There’s not been one time that I’ve felt so attracted to Phil that I’ve wanted to jump into bed with him or any of that stuff that I think you should feel. That was always there with Tom and Danny, it was sometimes there with Greg and it was there with Theo. How someone looks is important to me and that’s the bottom line and it looks as though it’s been that way since before a time I can even remember. That’s who I am and this is me accepting that part of me. It’s not all about accepting the ‘good’ parts of yourself, it’s about accepting the ‘bad’ too.
What I can’t accept is being with someone who I don’t want to rip their clothes off every once in a while. I’m a passionate woman and I need someone in my life that I can let rip with and I can’t with a man who is in the morbidly obese category and doesn’t make any effort with his appearance. I don’t actually think that many people would want to do that with someone so unhealthy. I’ve encouraged him kindly and patiently to lose weight but he’s done nothing about it in 22 months other than a couple of very half-hearted attempts which don’t last. He’s as big now as the day I met him and he’s not going to change. Seeing a photo of him that he sent me recently really confirmed to me that what I’m feeling is right for me. It’s time to accept and embrace this part of me, the part that loves a man to be sexy and attractive.