On Friday night I dropped and broke my phone, it had been messing around anyway so not a massive loss but when I went to Tom’s to drop Annie off last night he handed me a present and said it was an early birthday present. He’d got me a new phone. After handing it to me, he went to walk off into the other room but I called him back to give him a hug to say thanks. That hug was a defining moment. In Tom’s arms, I felt where I was exactly where I should be, where I needed to be and where I most wanted to be. He feels like home. The house he lives in, the house we lived in, still feels like home.
I am going to put myself through heartbreak once again and allow myself to dream about being with Tom. I know it will no doubt end in tears because there’s something in me, there’s something in him and there’s something about us that means we just cannot make it work despite the complete and utter undying love I feel for him and the love I think he still feels for me. I think.
When I hugged him Tom sighed and kissed my cheek. I think it felt right for him too.
I can’t help but think that I was with Phil for three reasons. The first to heal, the second to learn how to love and the third, to love Tom in the way Phil loved me. Unconditionally, peacefully, with complete acceptance.
I’ve been blessed over the last two years being with Phil, to feel what it’s really like to be loved and accepted. I can’t love him the same way in return because I just simply don’t feel it for him but I can turn it around and give it to someone that needs that selfless love. I can give it to Tom, if he’ll allow me to and if he even wants me to.
Last night I dreamt that Tom and I were together. It felt wonderful. I didn’t want the dream to end. I still don’t. My dream is for Tom and me to be together again one day. Happily, peacefully and lovingly. To grow old together. I’m never going to give up on that dream.