I’m Sorry

This morning, while drying myself after my shower, I managed to pull a muscle in my back. It was painful and limiting my movements so after dropping Annie to school I nipped into Tom’s to ask him to knead it out a bit. It worked and my back felt much better afterwards. Really what I would have liked was some kind of movie love scene where Tom realised his love for me, kissed me passionately and told me he still loved me. But this isn’t the movies. It didn’t happen. It’s not going to happen partly because that is just not his style and partly because he may not even want to.

I wondered, while I was there, why I don’t just broach the subject but I don’t know how to do that without us slipping straight back into a disagreeing scenario. I don’t think either one of us has broken the habits we’ve formed together over the last ten years, enough to make something between us work again, no matter how much I long for it. But habits are made to be broken and if I can just adopt a new way of speaking and being around him, maybe? Who knows?

Tonight I spent some time looking at the photographs from Tom’s 40th birthday party and I found myself feeling sorry, for the first time, for things that I did to Tom when we were together. I started writing a list ~ whether that list will ever be for his eyes or purely just for mine, remains to be seen (although I wrote it as though it were for him to read) but I really felt it was time that I faced and acknowledged my part in why our relationship failed so spectacularly. This is my list:

  • I’m sorry that I was so needy. I put demands on you that were maybe too much to bear. All I ever wanted was an unending supply of hugs, kisses, love and time. Maybe it was too much, I’m sorry.
  • I’m sorry that I threw a big 40th birthday party when you said you didn’t want one.
  • I’m sorry that I never got my shit together and dealt with my demons before we met.
  • I’m sorry that I focused so much on my pain that I unable to ever see yours.
  • I’m sorry I got so tired and that it affected our relationship.
  • I’m sorry I forgot about us.
  • I’m sorry I reacted to your every facial expression and sigh, etc.
  • I’m sorry I pre-empted you all the time.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t hug you enough. I should have hugged you many times every single day without fail.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t allow myself to be vulnerable and open. Instead, I closed down out of fear of getting hurt more.
  • I’m sorry I never told you that I was feeling lonely, unloved, unwanted and abandoned.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t love you more respectfully, gentler, kinder and braver. I was scared.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to make us work.
  • I’m sorry I never told you I wanted to be married to you, because it would have made me so proud to be able to call you my husband.
  • I’m sorry I never contributed financially to the relationship.
  • I’m sorry I took you for granted, I always assumed it to be your job to look after me and the kids financially.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t support you in your every wish, dream, desire, need and want.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t put in more effort with cooking healthy meals.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t consider your basic needs and beliefs a lot more often.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t respect your beliefs about education and food.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t smile and laugh more.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t have the confidence to be myself ~ to sing, dance, act silly and just relax around you, I was scared that you’d judge me or laugh at me, or not love me for it.
  • I’m sorry I let myself get so low and so sad that it played a massive part in destroying us.
  • I’m sorry I took everything so seriously.
  • I’m sorry that money was such an issue for me.
  • I’m sorry that sex was such an issue for me and therefore I made it an issue for you, for us.
  • I’m more sorry than words can ever convey that I lost my composure and hit you.
  • I’m so sorry that I showed you my pain, my anger and my fears instead of showing you the absolute love I felt for you.
  • I’m sorry I never told you just how much the ‘jokes’ hurt me inside. That they destroyed me little by little until they made me doubt that you even loved me.
  • I’m sorry I complained and moaned.
  • I’m sorry you had to live with my negativity.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t express what I was feeling in a calm, patient way, one in which we could have worked on things together. Instead, I made you feel as though you were being attacked. I didn’t mean to, I was just so hurt
  • I’m sorry I never recognised that you were as tired as I was and that the tiredness was killing our love for each other.
  • I’m sorry that I didn’t know, and therefore didn’t express to you, that my love language was touch and time. All I ever wanted from you was for you to want to spend quality, alone time with me and for you to touch me, hug me, kiss me.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t work on myself every single day to try and make life better for me, for you, for our family.
  • I’m sorry I expected so much.
  • I’m sorry that my behaviour pushed you to your limits.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t focus on anything other than the absolute gold that’s in your heart.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that the reason I wanted to have sex with you so often was because I found you so bloody attractive all the time and because having sex with you made me feel as though you really wanted me, desired me and loved me the way I did, you.
  • I’m sorry I never told you how much I loved the night we went to the cinema and watched In Bruges, I felt so connected to you, loved it being just you and I and never wanted the evening to end.
  • I’m sorry I brought so much pain and heartache to your life.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t make more of an effort to go out and have fun ~ it might have made a difference.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to go out with me more often, as a couple.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t date you beyond moving in together.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t keep us sacred.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t set firm boundaries in place at the start of our relationship which would have prevented the resentment I came to feel for you.
  • I’m sorry that I never took responsibility for my actions.
  • I’m sorry I never took responsibility for my own happiness.
  • I’m sorry I never cried with you, instead I hid my tears and my feelings from you.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t know how to communicate.
  • I’m sorry I lost my sense of humour.
  • I’m sorry that I blamed you for everything that went wrong, I was just as responsible.
  • I’m sorry that I didn’t work harder as a team with you.
  • I’m deeply sorry I hurt you.
  • I’m sorry I made you feel lonely.
  • I’m sorry that everything became a habit, one that I couldn’t and didn’t break.
  • I’m sorry that I couldn’t see what I was doing wrong.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t always listen to you.
  • I’m sorry I took Annie away from you.
  • I’m sorry that I never told you that the place I felt safest in the world was in bed with you, wrapped in your arms. When you held me, I felt secure enough in our love and in myself, to be able to really talk to you. If I’d done that we could have made time to just get in bed and work things out.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t share my wisdom, intelligence and passion with you because if I did I would have valued myself more.
  • I’m sorry that I allowed my difficult childhood into my adult life and into our relationship.
  • I’m sorry I never agreed to disagree.
  • I’m sorry I never compromised.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel like the most important person in my life, because you were.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t make you sandwiches more often.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t make you tea without you having to ask.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t know your love language and learn to speak it.
  • I’m sorry that I was so influenced by my parents’ negative conditioning regarding relationships.
  • I’m sorry I didn’t leave sooner before we destroyed each other and ourselves with our war.
  • I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stay and work things out.

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