I’ve spent the last couple of days ill with a bad cold. I got virtually no sleep on Friday night as I kept waking every 20 minutes to sneeze or because of a headache or sore throat. I looked and felt like crap all day yesterday. Tom knew I was ill yet didn’t offer to pick Annie up and when I dropped her off he made no comment at all about me being ill despite it being very obvious just looking at me. Most people at least comment even if it’s just to say, “Oh, you look rough. Hope you feel better soon.” But from Tom, nothing. He did talk about himself though, about him losing his hair and being a bit overweight and commented that he needed to do something about it or he’d be single forever. I felt quite upset by that because it made me realise that he doesn’t see me as part of his future. It bothered me all evening but then I woke this morning and I felt compelled to read back some of the things I wrote when I was with him. I re-read about how unkind and cruel he was to me, how thoughtless and selfish all of the time and I realised that the feelings I’ve been having for him are just a blip. Another blip. I’ve had them before, I’ll no doubt have them again.
Writing the ‘I’m sorry’ list was a good idea. I did need to do it but I needed to do it for me and for any future relationships I have, I didn’t need to do it for Tom. I can feel love for him and I can feel empathy for him but I don’t need to fool myself into thinking that he’s changed and I certainly don’t need to start thinking in terms of having him back into my life to that degree again. I need to just have faith that being single is right for me, right now. That it’s okay to be where I am and it’s okay to feel lonely sometimes and it’s okay to still love Tom. From a distance. It’s also okay to have faith that one day I may meet someone else that I can love as much as I did Tom, but this time it’ll be healthy.
The one thing I haven’t done with all of this going on is to start wanting Phil again. I don’t. I haven’t missed him, I don’t crave his kindness at all and that is progress. Besides all of the above, why would I ever want to give up what I have right now in my life? I currently get every other Saturday night and Sunday day to myself, to do exactly what I choose to do with it. This morning I slept until 11.15am. Right now, I’m laid in bed with the laptop, writing my books for the kids, listening to music and watching the world go by outside the window. I have a bar of chocolate and the freedom to decide to do whatever I want to do all day long. Life is good. Not just today, but every day. Most of the time it’s relaxed, fun and easy. Why would I want to change that?