I feel really tearful today. I’m sat in bed feeling very tired, agitated and completely unable to relax. Since Phil emailed me a few days ago, I’m finding myself craving his love again. I really miss the very deep unconditional warmth and love that he never fails to give me, no matter what. Having spent a bit more time than usual in Tom’s company because of stuff with Annie, I’m craving Phil’s love tenfold. I’m not going to react to it this time though. I am not going to arrange to see him or tell him I love him. I’m just going to sit here and crave his love and face the pain that comes from not having it because if I go back yet again, I know that within a couple of weeks or months it’ll all get too much for me again and I’ll be back to where I’ve been so many times.

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