When Tom came over to see the kids tonight we got talking, just the two of us. We were talking about my sisters and my Mum and it somehow led onto a discussion about saying sorry for things you’ve done and how it’s a sign of emotional maturity and the fact that my Mum has never said sorry for anything significant in her life and how that speaks volumes. I went on to say that sometimes we need to say sorry for ourselves rather than for the other person, that the person that apologises often gets more from it than the person they’re apologising to. I explained to him how I’d written a sorry list to him a few weeks ago and how it had been cathartic in forgiving myself for my mistakes but that I hadn’t shown him as I felt the exercise was more for me than him.
However, later in the evening, I wondered if it could benefit him in some way. I realised that if Tom were to write a sorry list for me it actually could go in a long way in my healing journey, knowing that he too was taking responsibility and not still blaming me so maybe that would be true for him too, reading my list might help his healing. I offered to send him the list, at first he wasn’t sure that it would make any difference to anything and then he sent me this:
“We’ve done the sorry bit though and we’ve spoken before and recognised our parts in it. I’m generally sorry it didn’t work out because I was ( and still am) in it for the long haul. But it is what it is. I’m sorry we split up because I think we’re practically made for each other, just a pile of self-inflicted shit and grass is greener somewhere else a bit at play. It would have worked if we’d been more adult, I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry it couldn’t have been given a proper go. Other couples go through real shit and stick together. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger and not stubborn and let you move out. I’m sorry I wasn’t better with Josh. I’m sorry we couldn’t have a conversation about stuff… I’m not sure I supported you enough when you were pregnant and I’m sorry about that… I’m sorry you had a relationship with Phil ( and whoever else) because I know I could never come back from that (I’m not adult enough) …. I’m sorry I ever met you … joke! … I’m sorry if I let you down and didn’t turn out as you’d hoped….. Enough? I’m sorry for not being as chilled out as I should be… Blah blah“
I was quite surprised by his unprompted words, it wasn’t what I was looking for but was nice to hear. I replied back with ” I wasn’t asking that of you at all but thank you. Actually, it is good to hear it because, well, just because. For the record, the grass was never greener for me (if I’m reading that the way I think you meant it) but having a couple of dates with Craig and having a relationship with Phil were both necessary for me. I admire that you’ve been able to do your healing alone, I’m not that strong and I needed support and reassurance. Craig helped me find who I was again and Phil healed me massively from the hurt I suffered over the years. He’s an amazing person, a great healer but not right for me. He was, I believe, a huge part of my soul’s growth. If you’re going to open your heart and be so honest then I will do the same and say that I have written, many many times in my diary, that we are soul mates, as I have also written that I will love you until and beyond the day I die because we seem to have that tie, that bond. I know that whatever happens in your life and whatever happens in mine, I will be there for you until one of us is no longer here, I know you will be there for me too. I hope if and when you start dating, that won’t change and vice versa but who knows? Yeah, other couples stick together through shit, we didn’t sadly. Other couples aren’t as feisty and passionate as us maybe? We channelled it wrong. It was either going to push us together to create something spectacular or it was going to blow us apart. I’m going to add my (huge) list because you’ve shared your regrets and I think it’s important that you have a chance to have the same from me.”
He replied back to say it had made him cry which I think is a good thing. So, what now? I’m surprised to find that it hasn’t made me want to leap back into a relationship with him, in fact, I feel quite at peace with things. If he suggests at any time that we try again I feel we’d possibly be on a more equal footing and I feel that with hard work we may be able to get there but I’m not entirely sure that’s what I do want. Sending him the list has made me feel slightly freer. I’ve apologised, and I meant it, for all that I did but I feel it’s time to allow this part of the healing process to take place and then for us to move on. I think we will remain friends for the rest of our lives and we will always love each other but I think we need to leave it at that. Two people that had a very strong connection that just didn’t or couldn’t make it work. Two people that are both strong and fiery but together constantly battle to burn brighter and harder, destroying us both. I feel it’s time to cry my final tears and let him go, as much as I love him, I cannot make him happy and he can’t make me happy. I accept that now.