Drained 2013

I feel drained. Not because of Christmas or all the work that goes with it but because of Tom. The more time I spend in his company the more exhausted I feel. He’s was here most of Christmas Eve including sleeping over that night so he could see Annie open her presents, here all day yesterday and then this morning I woke to a text saying he was coming over to make Annie breakfast and he’s been here more or less ever since other than to monopolise Jasper and insist on taking him out for two long walks because he thinks he’s the fucking expert on what my dog needs.

He tries to take over every aspect of my life. My dog, my house, my children, what we watch on the telly when he’s here. For fuck’s sake. Why am I still fucking allowing this shit to go on three and a half years after I left him? I’m actually sat in my bedroom writing this while he is sat on my fucking sofa, watching my fucking telly with my fucking dog on his fucking lap.

Could this be anymore ridiculous?

The older kids don’t want him here, I’m not even sure Annie does so really he’s here because I’m not brave enough to tell him no and that is the bottom line. I still won’t stand up to him because of possible repercussions; because of his mood, his anger, his shouting, of how it will affect Annie and of how it could affect all of us.

My friend Ruth said to me recently that I have to get him out of my life and she’s right. I know I do, I just don’t know why I hold back on doing that and why I pretend to myself that it’s ok for him to still be in our lives almost as much as he was before I left him. I cannot do another year of this shit.

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