Phil texted me tonight, wanting to talk. He told me he’d done a mediation and he’d realised that the last two years he’d been entirely selfless, that he gave nothing but love and that what he had back from me was nothing but selfishness. He said he ended the meditation repeating over and over “I don’t trust you, I don’t trust you” He said I have hurt him so so deeply over the last two years. He went on to say that he helped heal me and then I discarded him as soon as I was able, after messing with his head constantly for two years. We exchanged a series of texts and emails where I apologised for my actions and for hurting him. I gave a lot of thought to the accusation of being selfish and I totally accept that I was very selfish with him. Phil respected me profoundly but I didn’t do the same back. Sometimes I genuinely didn’t feel that I could do anything else but look out for my own needs.
I’m not going to deny that I was selfish, in fact, months ago I had a conversation with Phil where I introduced the idea that I was acting selfishly in the relationship and I told him I’d never been that way before, I also said I felt it was something I had no control over but it was also something I needed to experience. At the time he agreed that it was probably good for me and that he had faith that it wouldn’t last forever. I was honest with him about this as soon as it became apparent to me. I accept that I did act selfishly at times and in some way I’m fine with that because once it got to the point of realising that it was more selfish to stay with him than for us to part, I put a stop to it.
The one thing I don’t agree with though is that I was selfish all of the time, however, I’m not going to argue that point with Phil because it is his truth and therefore not my place to deny it. My truth is not the same as his. My truth is mine to own and his is his to own. Neither is right and neither is wrong. I remember when I first started seeing the psychotherapist when I needed to find the strength to leave Tom back at the beginning of 2010. The thought of leaving the relationship was filling me with thoughts that I was selfish and as I battled a lot of other areas that made me feel as though I were selfish the psychotherapist reminded me that there is a huge difference between being self-centred and centred in the self. Yes, I was self-centred when I was with Phil but I also knew that on a deeper level what I was doing was centring in the self. I was learning that it’s okay to stop putting my needs at the bottom of the pile and to actually put my needs first. Unfortunately, Phil took the downside to this but I have to see that Phil may have gained an opportunity to learn and grow from this too, maybe he needed to learn about setting boundaries for himself? One thing I do know is that being self-centred didn’t give me much pleasure. Like everything in life, balance is key.