More and more I’m starting to realise that I’m a selfish person but the realisation isn’t actually bothering me. There was a time that this would have really bothered me, I’d have denied it and done anything I could to prove myself to be anything but selfish but now I just don’t really mind or care. Is that the ultimate in selfishness?
I don’t think it makes me a horrible person although I’m probably not as nice as I used to be. I went to Sonia’s this morning along with Sam, Debbie, Karen and Pippa, for a catch-up. Pippa’s been in hospital for a few days with Septicemia but joined us for a little while. She was telling us about how ill she’d been; Karen got up and hugged her and then we all discussed how her boys were going to get to school and back which Sam and Debbie offered to do. I just listened. Pippa thanked Sam and Debbie and then Sam said, “That’s what friends are for. What would we all do without each other?” and it struck me that I’m not really a true friend to any of them because not only did I not offer, I didn’t want to offer.
I realised though that if it were me that had been ill I wouldn’t want help from any of them, or anyone else really. I’m so highly independent that it wouldn’t even cross my mind to ask any of them for help, I’d either do it myself or not do it at all.
I think, on the whole, I probably come across as quite unkind and maybe I am but I just see my world as me and the kids and it rarely involves anyone else for any reason. Is that selfish or just self-contained?
I did a google search to see if there was such a thing as ‘Self contained personality’ and it came up with ‘Solitary personality type’ and reading it through, it seems to fit me more or less.
- Solitude. Individuals with the Solitary personality style have small need of companionship and are most comfortable alone. ~ This is definitely true of me. I love having the kids around me but equally so, I love being totally alone. I like having friends but it’s always on my terms. I want to see them when I want to see them and usually, an hour is enough before I’m craving some alone time again. Occasionally I will spend an hour or two with a friend and I do enjoy it but usually, after those times I start feeling as though I’ve wasted the day because I could have been home, on my own, doing what I love doing the most.
- Independence. They are self-contained and do not require interaction with others in order to enjoy their experiences or to get on in life. ~ Again, very true and the same as above.
- Sangfroid. Solitary men and women are even-tempered, calm, dispassionate, unsentimental, and unflappable. ~ This definitely sums me up! My mood is generally calm, relaxed and even unless I have PMT or Tom annoys me! I am rarely outwardly passionate but I do feel something for things I care deeply about. I’m not particularly sentimental unless it is for my book writing purposes, but then I don’t think that can really be described as sentiment and I am calm in a crisis, always.
- Stoicism. They display an apparent indifference to pain and pleasure. ~ Again, this is me. I can’t ever muster any excitement about anything. It’s not that I’m not happy or even overjoyed on some level just that I rarely show it and sometimes only feel it mildly. I just don’t do excitement. Pain wise, if it’s physical pain I just get on with it, you’ll never find me making a fuss or a noise. Emotional pain, I deal with by writing, contemplating and looking deeper and deeper at the situation. Apart from the hardest times when I’ve needed counselling, I never talk to someone about how I’m feeling, preferring to find my own answers.
- Sexual composure. They are not driven by sexual needs. They enjoy sex but will not suffer in its absence. ~ Completely and utterly me. If I were in a relationship I’d be having sex and I’d be enjoying it but having not had sex for about three months I can’t say I’ve missed it one bit. Even if I was in a relationship now, I’m not sure I’d be that bothered. Sometimes it justs seems like such a lot of hassle and energy when I could be spending it doing something more productive such as writing, working, sleeping.
- Feet on the ground. They are unswayed by either praise or criticism and can confidently come to terms with their own behaviour. ~ This is the only one that is slightly untrue for me. I get quite embarrassed by praise and criticism. I’m not very good at taking criticism because it taps back into my beliefs about not being good enough, however, if I am ever criticised, once I’ve got over the initial hurt feelings, I am able to look at it on a deeper level, question it and see if there is any truth in it for me to learn from or if that person is merely projecting their shit onto me.
I’m really starting to see that I’m quite a complex person, nothing with me really is black or white, there are many shades of grey but overall I think the description above pretty much sums me up. I do believe there are many more layers to who I am, some of which I know of and some which I’ve yet to discover.
I realise too that I have friends and I use friends for my own personal gain. That gain is always as a tool to learn and know more about myself. I use them to reflect back to me aspects of myself and to constantly see myself in their behaviours but also my behaviour when I’m around them. They mirror me wonderfully and I love that the time I do spend with them always gives me a lot of food for thought and many opportunities to get to know myself a bit better.
This year I’m kind of working on the basis of going with the flow and saying yes to things because I’m totally trusting in the Universe putting these opportunities on my path to help me to grow. Today’s catch up with the girls was exactly that, a huge opportunity to get to know myself a little bit more and to understand who I am at this point in my life. The selfishness and the need to be self-contained is not something that has always resided in me but it’s who I am now and so I’m not going to fight it, I’m going to go with it, accept it and love it because I think I can learn and gain a great deal from this. Conversely, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I can’t help feeling a little though, that my friends are nothing more than pawns in my game of self-awareness and that does make me feel bad.