This evening Tom came over to bring Annie back from his. Annie left the room and Tom suddenly blurted out that he’d met someone for a date last weekend. He went on to tell me about the date and I started to feel sick to my stomach. I always knew this day would come and despite the fact that I do not want a relationship with Tom, it really hit me that he could move on one day. As it turns out there was no spark between him and this woman, and I felt a huge sense of relief when he told me so but it really bothers me that I reacted so much to his announcement. It was so shocking and so unnerving. I suppose the fear that was coming up really was about being abandoned by him because although I don’t want a relationship with him, I like knowing he’s around and I’m scared that will change if he meets someone. Of course, that’s not the only reason. It actually will be really hard to know he’s seeing someone else and to possibly have to face seeing him look at another woman the way he used to look at me, knowing that he stopped loving me, knowing that it’s easier for him to love someone else than it is for him to love me which is all rather bizarre given that I really wouldn’t want to have a relationship with him ever again. I suppose what it is really is the feelings that we had for each other for the first couple of years he would be having with someone else. I just need to remind myself that when it happens, which I guess one day it will, after the first couple of years are over, he’ll revert back to who he became with me and that is someone I can’t ever miss or long for but the thought of him falling in love again and having sex with someone else is, at the moment, hard for me to comprehend.
However, I promised myself that 2014 is the year that I will embrace ALL that comes my way, good, bad and challenging and I won’t let it beat me. If my first challenge of the year is coming to terms with Tom dating again then so be it. It has to happen one day and hopefully, I can love him enough to wish him whatever will ultimately bring him happiness.