Exploration

I’ve always regarded myself as a homebody, someone who is happiest to be at home, doing my own thing and finding pleasure in pottering around the house finding little things to do. I can’t deny it hasn’t brought me a lot of pleasure over the years but today I feel something different and it feels very alien to me.

I’ve just returned from taking the kids away for a couple of days which has made me feel restless and a bit moody at being indoors. I want to be out exploring the world around me, not indoors looking at the same views. Not only am I already thinking about the next break we can go on, but I’m also questioning my reasons for even living here. Not once in my life have I questioned where we live, not once have I thought about living elsewhere and all of a sudden it now has become the biggest question in my mind. Why do I live in this small town?  What does it really hold for us? Am I just settling for an area because I’ve never thought to do anything else? Why have I accepted that life is nothing more than taking kids to school, doing housework, struggling with money, paying bills and not a lot else?

In fact, I’m currently questioning almost everything in my life. Why do I have ‘friends’ in my life that I tolerate more than I actually like and why do I feel obligated to have a relationship with my sisters and parents when I don’t really have anything much in common with them? Why do I allow the circumstances with Greg and Tom to dictate how, where and why my life is as it is?

My two days away really made me realise that as long as I have my kids with me, the only people that mean anything to me in the world, then I, we could be anywhere in the world and I’d be happy. I’m restless and unsettled and feeling a great, burning need to explore not only the bigger world around me but to explore all of these new feelings that are emerging before I push them back down, ignore them and pretend that I’m happy being ‘settled.’

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