I haven’t had any contact with Phil for about a month now and I’ve barely thought about him in that time either. My decision to end the relationship has proved to be the right one as I haven’t missed him at all since we split in October but when Alice and Katie came home today and said that they’d seen Phil with a woman, curiosity got the better of me and I had a look at his Facebook. I could see photos of a recent holiday to Rome which I felt indifferent about although a little pleased that he was doing something and moving on but then I came across some photos posted of the hotel room that I took him to for his birthday. There was then a photo of a bottle of Champagne, not at all dissimilar to a photo he took when we went to London together, and following that photo was one of the exact same view of the cliffs that he took when we went together on his birthday. Now it bothered me! It bothered me because the night we stayed there, at dinner I had this amazing feeling wash over me where I realised I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life. I had almost everything I ever dreamed of. I had a bloody good, kind man (albeit one I wasn’t actually attracted to, not for the lack of trying though) who wanted to spend intimate time with me, just with me. I had a man who looked into my eyes and saw my soul and we shared the most amazing evening together with dinner and a walk on the beach. Afterwards in the bedroom that changed because my fantasy night didn’t include having sex with an obese man that I didn’t actually fancy but up until that point it was perfect and now here he is, sharing that exact same thing with someone else and that hurt. It hurt because he could have taken her to anywhere else in the world and I genuinely don’t think it would have bothered me but he chose to take her to the hotel where I had probably the best night of my life and now I feel that somehow it counts for less. It now feels tainted and that makes me really quite sad.
There is a part of me that is feeling that he’s actually really pathetic and desperate if he’s taking someone else to exactly the same places we went, it’s almost as though he’s trying to rekindle what we had there. I also can’t help wondering if it’s a setup, that he’s hoping I will see so as to make me envious.
After seeing the photos the first thing I did was to add Theo as a friend on Facebook and the second thing I did was start having thoughts about asking Tom if he’d like to have sex sometime, for us to have no relationship as such other than a sexual relationship. I realise that what I am doing is reaching out, clutching at straws because I’m feeling a little bruised and I need something to ease that a little, instead, I just need to accept and feel the ache that a bruise causes and wait for it to subside without the need of putting a plaster on it when it’s not actually needed. After all, I am bruised, that is all. I am not bleeding, not stabbed, ripped, torn, broken, I am just feeling a little bit achy and from that, I can recover. I just need to keep reminding myself of that and that experiencing life is about experiencing and feeling ALL of life; the wonderful, amazing times such as our night away and the bruises that may follow, which have now followed, and then I need to trust in the flow of life and wait for the tides to change again, which they will.