I went for breakfast with Karen and Sam today. While there we chatted about friends and their values. I said how I felt I’d changed so much in the last year. Whereas before I was really accepting, understanding and forgiving, I am now the opposite. If a friend expresses something that I totally don’t agree with me, I now say it to them and I no longer worry if it means our friendship will end. Before I would never stand up for my beliefs as I was too scared of the consequences, now I just don’t care. I feel that it wouldn’t be that much of a loss if our values are so different anyway.
At Pippa’s on Saturday night, she casually mentioned how she never allows her boys to sit in the lounge and how they have a separate lounge for them to sit in. A year ago I’d have said nothing, on Saturday my jaw dropped and while everyone else sat and said nothing, as though not allowing your children into a part of the house is normal, I went into full-on rant mode telling her they’re children, not dogs and that she is wrong in her reasoning. I wouldn’t let it go. It wasn’t an angry argument, it was just very matter of fact. This is my opinion, that’s hers and neither of us was pissed off with the other but I HAD to say it almost because I’ve never expressed personal opinions before but now that I’ve found the courage to do so, I can’t stop it.
So I was quite surprised and taken aback when Karen suddenly said that she feels as though she’s a better person because of me. She said that since knowing me and spending so much time with me she now thinks about things more and does the right thing more often. She explained how she was given too much change the other day, normally she’d have kept it but instead, she instantly thought about me, realised I would have given it straight back without question and so she did the same. That was quite odd for me to hear because as she was explaining how I’m positively influencing her life, I was thinking about how much I’m changing and not necessarily for the better, although I can see that standing up for my beliefs and being more assertive definitely has its benefits.
I feel quite bewildered by the compliments I’ve had recently. Karen, Pippa and Sam have each said something really positive about me in the last few days yet I feel quite detached from it. I’d love to feel the weight of their compliments but for some reason, I just can’t connect to them. I don’t know why that is. Partly there’s a fear of getting too big for my boots if I connect and start to believe them and yet that’s odd because I do know that I am a good person with strong morals and that my behaviour does influence people positively at times. I also know the other side of me that doesn’t always feel and live this way.