I went round to Tom’s once I’d dropped the kids at school as I needed him to change my tyre. We then spent the rest of the day talking more than we have in a long time. I could feel all the old feelings come flooding back the more we talked. He spoke about Josh and how much he cares for him but how angry he is with me for allowing Josh to be out of work and for not pushing him. I could feel myself getting angry but instead of giving in to the anger I asked him for a hug instead as I knew it would make the anger abate, it worked and I was able to see his point of view. We then went into town for a bite of lunch. On the way there I turned to him and told him I loved him. What I meant by it was that I loved certain qualities that he possessed, such as his passion for parenting but Tom replied, “I know you do. I just needed you to realise it all this time.” I told him that I’ve always known it but before I could explain more about what I meant he spotted his car mechanic opposite us and pulled the car over to get out to speak to him about some work he needed doing on the car and the rest of the conversation got left unspoken.
I realise I’m going down just like Dido sings about “I’m going down with this ship, I won’t put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door, I’m in love, and always will be.”
Because that’s it. Plain and simple. I love this man beyond words. I’ve tried, believe me, I’ve tried to stop loving him but every time I think I’ve succeeded it comes back and hits me all over again. I just cannot stop loving him no matter what I do so I may as well accept it and just love him even if it means my ship will go down under the weight of it.
I reminded myself of the words I said to myself three and a half years ago when I left him; I promised myself that instead of closing my heart, I would in fact open myself up to being hurt again and again because it’s only through being open to pain, can you allow yourself to love again. I haven’t really stuck to that rule and maybe I didn’t need to because maybe it wasn’t meant for anyone else other than Tom. I almost know that I will get hurt and that I have to get hurt if I want to be with Tom.