After dropping the kids to school this morning, I suddenly got the strongest intuitive sense that I needed to have sex with Tom. It didn’t make any sense to my logical mind but I couldn’t rid myself of the feeling so I sent him a text telling him to which he replied that he would. I arrived at his house a short while later, walked in, told him now was his last chance to back out, he said he didn’t want to then he pulled me into him and kissed me. It felt strange but right. We went upstairs, kissed some more, started to undress until I pulled him onto the bed on top of me and we had sex.
Afterwards, we talked for a little while and agreed that this wouldn’t change anything between us and I genuinely felt okay with it just being sex between us, whether it was just the once or if it happened again. We chatted loads about the past, where we went so wrong, about Phil and how he healed me. Tom told me about how utterly destroyed he’d been for a long time after we split up and how he’d been on a date a while after we split up, with someone he knew from years ago, how they went to hers, had a few drinks and she tried it on with him. He then explained how he rejected her totally although they shared a bed together and he laid there for the whole night wide awake and that first thing in the morning he drove home and found himself on his knees sobbing at the pain of all he’d lost with us. For the first time, I really started to feel that Tom may have just changed a bit. He seems much more comfortable with who he is in life and a lot more understanding of my reasons for the decisions I’ve made. We had sex again after that then talked some more, he admitted he still loved me, always had but that he didn’t know if he was in love with me which is pretty much how I feel at the moment too.
And now, it’s the evening, I’m home and I feel empty. I feel empty because I’m longing for a connection that I just don’t have with Tom anymore, nor will I ever have again. I realised the connection I crave is one similar to the one I had with Phil and there’s no-one more surprised about that than me!
I don’t want Phil back into my life because I know we’re not right for each other either but what I do want is the kind of deep unconditional love that Phil gave me and Tom is not the man to give me that, he never has been and he never will.
The sex with Tom feels empty and shallow but I finally feel as though the time is right to really let him go on all levels. I have no doubt that when Tom eventually moves on and starts dating properly, it will be hard, I will probably still need to do one last piece of grieving for what we once had, but I also know that Tom and I don’t have a future. I am never going to be the woman he needs and wants in his life and he’s never going to be the man I need and want. I also know I will love Tom until the day I die. We had the most wonderful times together and we shared the hardest of times too. Tom is a part of my history, he has been there for a quarter of my life, I can’t do anything but love him. I love the man he was then and I love the man he is now but for very different reasons. I will always love him but the time has come.
It’s quite refreshing and freeing to realise that. Obviously, it’s tinged with a little bit of sadness, it’s natural to feel sad over someone you’ve loved deeply for ten years, but I know this is the right thing for both of us. Most surprisingly is that the man who floored me, brought me to my knees and almost destroyed me all that time ago is now the one that is making me see myself in a positive light. Tom said today that I’m stunningly beautiful, something I don’t see. I think I’m fairly pretty but I’ve never seen myself the way Tom described me. I said that maybe he thinks that as he used to be in love with me but he said that wasn’t why. He said that I have something very attractive about me. He described me as being stunningly beautiful to look at not just because of the way I look but because of my inner qualities. He said I’m smiley, happy and unconventional. He also said I had a depth to me that other women don’t have and that is what makes me so attractive. He then compared me to my friend, Karen, he said although she’s not pretty a lot of men would find her attractive because she’s got blonde hair and big tits but he said once they’d seen beyond that, there was very little left to uncover whereas with me, there are many layers. Good layers!
It was very healing to hear this, to know that finally after all the put-downs I had from Tom, he can actually see my worth. It’s strange to think that the two people that single-handedly destroyed each other just four short years ago are now unwittingly healing each other. To me, this is love in the greatest sense of the word. I could hate Tom for what he did, I could be angry with him forever as he could with me but I’m not, he’s not. We both have the wisdom to see that by loving each other, we’re helping each other to move forward with our lives and this is why he will always hold a very special place in my heart. But now, it’s finally over and I’ve learnt a really valuable lesson – that no matter how wrong something seems, if it feels intuitively right, I should listen to that.