Flawed

Since letting go of Tom, I’ve been taking a long hard look at myself and seeing that I am actually completely unfulfilled in almost every area of my life. I feel empty much of the time and I lack intimate relationships because I have so much fear about getting close to people. Even in my friendships, I notice I’m similar, not allowing friends to get too close. I went for breakfast with Sam the other day and I found myself withdrawing from her and needing to spend time with Karen instead. I don’t know why.  Sam is fun, lighthearted and sweet but at breakfast, I wanted a serious, grown-up conversation and I realised that Sam doesn’t have the life experience to talk about the things I needed to talk about.

I’ve been noticing too how unkind I’ve become to people. I feel such inner hurt and anger that I’m projecting this on to others a lot of the time. I don’t speak words of kindness and I don’t do acts of kindness. I’ve become very hard-hearted and I don’t like it. I used to be gentle, soft, loving, at least I think I did. Maybe I didn’t.

Phil has turned back up into my life this week, sending me a couple of emails and I’m asking myself why he’s back in my life. I always believe everyone in your life is there to help teach you something or you them. I think Phil is still part of my healing journey but rather than just healing me from Tom’s hurt, I think he’s here to heal me as a whole. To make me whole again. I’m not putting that on him I’m just allowing myself to see how he could help me, knowing I will be helping him with some important soul lessons too.

When I have been with Phil, life is so difficult. His kindness, empathy, love and everything about him seems to serve to highlight all that I lack. In his mirror, all I see is my flaws. I see how unpolished I am, how much work I have to do on myself and this is what’s on my mind when I’ve ended the relationship, one of the things on my mind. I won’t pretend it’s the only thing when there’s a myriad of problems that I can’t see beyond and so I reach the conclusion that I can’t be not only with him but with anyone.

I have stayed 100% single, not even dating since Phil and I split up because it’s easier for me to be alone than to have someone reflecting back to me all that is flawed in my life. There is so much. So much I need to work on, to change.

This time though, with Phil coming back into my life, just his presence has shown me that the Universe is telling me to work on it now. NOW is the time. I can see that my recent dreams and Phil are all connected in a deeply spiritual way and that I have to work on all of these flaws, starting now.

I have booked once again to see a counsellor and I am trying to find the money so I can embark on a course about relationship anxiety because if I couldn’t make this work with someone like Phil, someone so selfless, calm, loving and patient, the only person ever gave me the space to heal, then I just won’t ever make this work with anyone.

I have to work this out. I know if I don’t I will kick myself forever either because I’m on my own for the rest of my life or because I will end up in relationships that are shallow and unloving.

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