Bittersweet

My Dad rang this morning, he said he wanted to see how I was as I’d been on his mind the last few days and he wondered if everything was ok. I very briefly mentioned that I seem to be in midst of a spiritual awakening before he interrupted me, started talking about himself and then totally dominated the conversation about an awakening he had years ago. He then talked about his current health and some test results he’d had back and I then I think he caught himself because he stopped abruptly and asked how my awakening was manifesting. I managed to tell him that I just felt a deep need to open up old wounds and heal them and that I was seeing a counsellor, and then he was off again talking about a counsellor he can recommend if my one wasn’t good enough! I think during the course of our 12-minute conversation where he phoned to ask I how was, I spoke for a total of probably 90 seconds.

I got off the phone feeling pissed off and unheard. I felt that he didn’t really care. I had to go out straight after we’d finished talking, I’d got only slightly down the road when I heard my phone beep. I checked the text to see it was from Dad. He’d written, “I am so proud of you. Well done. Dad.”

I’ve waited 40 years to hear one of my parents tell me they’re proud of me and waiting that long makes the praise so bittersweet. I sat in my car, driving along with tears pricking my eyes, trying desperately to compose myself as I was about to meet Karen and didn’t want to turn up a tear-stained mess. I thought about cancelling on her and going home and just crying because I know that is what I should have done but I didn’t. I’ve promised myself I’d really feel the hurt and then the first opportunity I had to really do that, I blocked it. Instead, I wiped my face, swallowed down the lump in my throat and carried on as normal.

The only thing I did do is I realised how wonderful the Universe is in aligning situations when the time is right. Why has my Dad told me he’s proud of me now? Why not last week, last month, last year? I know it’s because I’ve put out the intention to heal and so the universe is fully supporting me in this.

At Karen’s,  I’d been there about 20 minutes when I stopped her mid-sentence and told her that I’d just realised what it is she’s reflecting back to me. Anxiety! Karen spent the first 10 minutes worrying and stressing about her fish because one looked really ill. She then spoke of her stress about her daughter still wetting the bed and that she didn’t know what to do. She briefly touched on her son’s breathing and then she started stressing about her teeth. Twenty full minutes of nothing but anxiety and I realised that while Karen is very out there with her stresses, I keep mine very much hidden from people and that is one of the reasons why she’s in life, to help me see just how anxious I am.
I have to stop thinking I’m cool, calm and collected and accept that I spend a lot of the time feeling anxious. It’s not just about relationships, it’s also about the kids, about school, about money, work, career. Everything.

The realisation of how great my anxiety spreads and the long-awaited comment from my Dad, and no doubt me blocking off the emotions that were starting to come from it has left me feeling utterly drained. I’m hurting so much and am already having doubts about whether I’m strong enough to do this or not. Just a few short weeks ago life was easy, now it’s a bundle of stress, heartache and pain and I don’t know that I have it in me to do the healing that’s so badly needed.

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