Butterflies

I’ve had a headache ever since I wrote Purging. I’ve had anxiety butterflies, I constantly feel sick, my skin feels as though it’s crawling with bugs and my stomach keeps contracting with the shit that it’s trying to expel. My thoughts are constantly about Mum; the things she said, the things she did, the things she didn’t do and say and now the guilt that keeps creeping up on me. I quite liked it being buried, I was handling it pretty well, at least in my relationship with her. Now it’s out there and I feel as though I’m chasing butterflies and trying to put them back in the net that I let them out of.

I need to ring her, it was Mother’s Day on Sunday and I still haven’t even spoken to her. It’s my stepdad’s birthday tomorrow, I can’t not ring her or she will think there’s something wrong but I can’t bring myself to do it. I keep reminding myself that I am an adult, that I am strong and that she doesn’t have to affect me any more but she still does and I feel too fragile at the moment to deal with her negativity.

I am running on nervous energy and I can’t sleep. I’m exhausted. I feel as though I’m in a constant state of panic and nothing I do relieves it. It’s times like this that I wish I drank alcohol. I need the release that alcohol would bring me right now but I just have to sit with this pain and not try and find a plaster to put over the top. It might help if I could just crawl into bed and cry it all out but I can’t. I never get any time alone and I don’t want to have to explain anything to the kids plus I really do think that if I start crying I won’t be able to stop. Instead, I’m doing what I’ve always done and I’m holding my tears in.

The worst thing is that I can feel that there’s more stuff to come out. I stopped yesterday after 4.5 hours of non-stop purging and writing because I was getting too angry. Had I stuck with it and allowed myself to feel the anger and gone with it, I may have got it all out. Now I feel that it’s halfway there but stuck in a place I’m not used to. It’s uncomfortable and it’s not going away.

My sleep is fitful and I’m having dreams that I can’t remember fully. It’s frustrating. Last night I dreamt about Pippa. In real life, she is a woman that is very angry and she has major issues with her mum. I know this is why she was in my dream. In it, she was angry about having to go out to work, her husband was telling her she had to. She didn’t see why she should have to (I’ve no doubt the ‘work’ in my dream is actually about the work I am doing on myself now). I suggested to her just doing one hour a day at Sainsbury’s and to never spend her pay. To instead, leave it in the bank and use it to go on holidays. I worked out how much she would save in a year but then Karen said the figure was wrong. When I thought about it I realised I’d be working it out at £5 per week when it’s actually £5 per day. I think the dream is telling me to just do a little bit of work at a time and that it will amount to a lot at the end which will allow me the break I need. At the end of the dream, Pippa was excited at the prospect of doing it this way.

Later I dreamt that I was in a house that belonged to a couple who had two children. They had a side by side double buggy. I asked the woman how she got it through the door, she explained that she left one child out, (my childhood experience) until they got outside and then she put her in. (The big act my mum put on to others?) It seemed to make perfect sense to her but to me, I still didn’t understand how that made any difference to getting the width of the pram through the door. The dream then changed to the family all going out but I was staying in their house (I wonder if this is relevant to me growing up but staying ‘there’?). Once they’d left I was in a room all alone. I looked up to a door that had slightly frosted glass and I could see the figure of a man outside. I wondered who he was and where he came from as I thought I was alone (in believe the male depicts strength.) The man then walked away. It seemed like ages later I got up and went out of the room (it has been a long time of me being alone and now I’m ‘getting up’ to explore what that’s about) and walked down a corridor into a room at the back of the house (my bedroom was at the back of the house). As I entered the room I saw about 20 people all with disabilities. I felt a rush of love for all these disabled people (I have been/am disabled by my past in some ways) and then I looked up and saw the man from earlier. He was kind and gentle looking and I really felt that he cared deeply about the disabled people. He was there caring for them at the back of the house the whole time. I felt a deep love for this man. (I know he is a part of me, the strong part that has always kept me going.) As I walked out of the room I noticed the man was wearing a hat. (A hat is often about disguise, maybe I hide my strength from myself?)

Today I have a ton of stuff to do but I’m going to put music on loud all day and sing at the top of my voice until it grounds and balances me again. The butterflies are still escaping from the net but I’m going to let them and I’m going to stop trying to catch them.

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