Free Fall

I had an interesting conversation with Tom today. I told him how I felt yesterday in TGIs, how sad it made me feel. I elaborated and told him how I feel as though I have to stay single for at least the next 11 years until Annie is 18 so that I am totally devoted to raising the kids with no distractions, however, I admitted that made me sad too because I miss being part of a couple but it seems impossible to be a good Mum and be available in a relationship in every way. Tom really surprised me by almost encouraging a relationship, certainly by saying that I could have a relationship that didn’t involve the kids and just see a man once or twice a week. When I said that was impossible with having only one night a fortnight to myself he offered to watch the kids so I can pursue a relationship! When I then told him that I didn’t want a relationship that wasn’t going to ever lead anywhere, that if I was going to go as far as even starting a relationship with someone I’d like it to have a future of potential marriage, he didn’t brush the idea away or slate it at all. He just said I can’t have my cake and eat it, meaning I can’t be on my own and have a relationship. It was all a great surprise to me.

Throughout the day I’d been thinking more and more about getting in touch again with a side of me that’s been absent for a while. I refer to it as my wild side but really it’s not, it’s just me, who I really am. The part that loves to play, have fun, laugh, be mischievous, the part that’s been missing for far too long. I know that if I allow that part of me to come back to life it will open my heart to other possibilities because when I’m in that space, I’m in a more loving, open space in general and so there’s more chance of dating, fun or even love coming into my life. I can see that at the moment I am closed down to everything. I’ve sealed my heart off but in doing so I’ve sealed my life off. I have no fun and I am no fun. I’ve got boring and scared and I’m doing nothing but existing instead of living life to the full. I am not living to my full potential because I’m too held back by fear and if I’m honest, I use the kids as an excuse to stay still.

As I thought about my wild side, I also thought again about a ‘Yes’ project that I started last year which was supposed to last a year but actually only lasted a couple of weeks, if that. I messed that up because I told people I was doing it.  Once I’d let it out I felt it became an obligation and it lost its fun. I felt pressured. Actually, I felt pressured anyway because it was stepping out of my comfort zone but when I think about what I’ve written recently about men, relationships, love, my life going nowhere, feeling like there’s more than this in me ~ I have to reach the conclusion that I control my life too much and maybe it’s time to just free fall again, to put all my trust in the Universe and to just allow life to take over. The only way I know to do that is to trust that by saying yes to opportunities a lot more often will eventually lead me to a better life and to a life that is worth living and maybe to a life I simply can’t imagine at this moment in time. I guess really, the possibilities are endless.

In all honesty, I am scared. I am scared of what opportunities may come my way because to become a real true authentic ‘yes man’ I’d have to say yes to EVERYTHING, no matter who presents it and my biggest fear with that is someone asking me to do something that I really don’t want to do.

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