A series of thoughts throughout the morning led me on a trail of self-discovery that I needed to go on so badly. I can no longer remember the starting point or all the stops in between but the destination was the realisation that I really need to remember who I was when I was younger and start embracing my wild side again. Alice and Katie are off school today and somehow we got on to stories about my teenage years, my mischievous teenage years. I told them tales of the things I used to get up to; I was quite naughty but nothing I did was out of malice, it was all just because I found it so funny, even if it wasn’t that funny for those with me. I tapped into the feelings I had at the time to find I felt light, fun, wild but mostly alive. I don’t feel that way anymore. I then realised that Phil’s recklessness annoyed me so much because I am hiding from myself, from my own recklessness, the wildness in me that’s been pushed down out of sight but is still in there somewhere, begging to be let out to play.
I’ve taken my role as Mum so seriously and been so bogged down with various things that I’ve neglected and abandoned such a crucial part of who I am and who I always was. That part of me, the reckless, carefree, slightly naughty, fun, wild part of me is me. It’s the part that kept me emotionally alive as a child and it’s the part I love the most. It’s what makes me laugh, it’s what makes me shine and what helps me to breathe fully. It existed and breathed until I met Tom and then I put it to bed because of his disapproval. In the last ten and a half years it’s probably only been allowed out to play a handful of times. There’s no wonder I’ve felt depressed, I have, after all, pressed and pushed her further and further down.
I’ve been feeling annoyed with Sasha quite a bit lately too and I now think it’s because she is embracing her wild side. I’m jealous. She’s going with the flow of life regardless of the consequences. I’ve been thinking it selfish, really I just wish it were me doing it. An old friend, Tracy, came back into my life last week, Tracy is the ultimate in wild and naughty. I shut her out of my life purely because she was too strong a reminder of what I’m neglecting in myself. I’m going to let her back in and I hope by doing so, and by recognising what I’ve been neglecting, I’ll be letting my wild side back in too.
This is why I’m trying to say yes to more opportunities. Almost to give myself permission to be a little bit reckless and to abandon all control which is what stops me from living my life the way I think I was destined to live it. With flare, with fun, with reckless abandonment. I want ‘yes’ to take over and give me the opportunities to find myself again. To give me permission to be me simply because I am not strong enough to give myself that permission for fear of being judged and disapproved of by others but as I read somewhere earlier, the key to an authentic life is to not worry and not care when others disapprove, to keep going and embrace your inner wild anyway, even more so because from the wild, comes the creative and that’s when life can start to really happen.