At my counselling session today, we talked a bit about Tom and my Dad. I told her how angry I have been with myself for all the times I have fallen back into the trap of thinking I still loved Tom and for thinking we could still make it work. I admitted to also feeling really angry with Tom for making out that he was innocent for the break up of our relationship and denying any abuse took part on his part. I told Pam about hitting Tom all that time ago and questioned if it was actually me that was abusive. Pam said that Tom had been extremely abusive to me, emotionally, mentally and financially and that actually what I had done, the time that I hit him, was self-defence. She said when someone is backed against a wall and being verbally abused to the level that I was at that point, being screamed at that I was a thick cunt and every other name under the sun, I wouldn’t have been able to see any way out. Asking him, pleading with him, shouting back, nothing worked. She said I hit him purely to stop a situation carrying on that had got out of control and wasn’t going to end without drastic action.
Pam then suggested that we look into why certain areas of my life go round in circles such as my relationships with Tom and Phil. My entire relationship with Phil was a non-stop cycle of on/off. When I ended it the first time, I should have never gone back as it started the cycle that only now do I feel that I am off of. I realised I jump back into these cycles because either I worry I’ve made the wrong decision or fear takes over in some way and I jump back on to the safety of these merry-go-rounds that I know so well.
The Tom merry-go-round is ongoing because to get off would mean facing a lot of my fears, however, as I read back over my blog from two years ago I noticed that at Christmas 2011 when I felt an internal shift regarding Tom and how nothing had changed and then how I set the intention that I would move on, my life started to change. Just weeks later I met Phil and while it didn’t last it still gave me what I needed at that point in my life and it was fun. From the moment I jumped off the Tom wheel at the end of 2011 my life improved, and I had a wonderful, happy year full of fun and laughter. That only came to an end when I mentally jumped back on to the Tom wheel.
What is so ironic now as I look back on my childhood is how some of the cruelty from Dad took place in playgrounds on children’s roundabouts, see-saws and swings. He’d make me get on the roundabouts then spin as fast as he could and refuse to stop even if I screamed in terror. He pushed the see-saw up and down too hard and he’d swing the swing far too high, scaring me to death. Now, I seem to be stuck on these same roundabouts, locked in through my childhood traumas.
Pam asked how I get off, I said I didn’t know but driving home I realised I just have to take the leap. I need to remember that I am in control of the playground now and I can stop it and get off any time I want to.