Setting Boundaries

I had my last counselling session with Pam today.  Tom and Josh had a very heated argument in my house a couple of days ago so we talked about that. I told her that after a day of worry I decided to really find the positive to their argument and to see it as the time to really set some firm boundaries in place with Tom and stop him coming into the house anymore. We spoke about my faith in trusting life and she said that she really felt that this is what guides and helps me in life and that she’s seen such a remarkable change in me over such a short space of time, yet she feels as though she was merely a facilitator and that I myself, did all the hard work. Although she certainly did help, I have to admit that her role was for me, really just about having a sounding board. It was by voicing out loud my concerns that I was able to then go within to find the solutions. There were definitely key things she said that helped, without a doubt, but on the whole, I just feel that the timing was perfect, I was ready to work and to heal and I really feel as though I’ve done it.

I told her that I decided to take the opportunity that life gave me with Tom and to really use it to get him out of our lives. I said I would not be letting him back in because life has been so different over the last few days. I finally feel at peace. I feel as though I can relax in my own home for the first time in many years. The house is peaceful, the kids happier. I don’t feel judged or criticised and because of that, I feel more capable and confident. I feel empowered and powerful and I’m never going to allow Tom back in to change that. Once I left counselling I checked my phone and saw a message from Tom. I realised, upon reading it, that this was a test. Tom said, “Does Jasper (dog) want to spend the day with me?” 

Pam had reminded me about being either a parent, a child or an adult in my relationships with people and so with Tom, I took on the adult role. I knew he would try his hardest to push me back into the child role but I kept my adult strong. I told him that I’d given a lot of thought to what happened this week and that I’d decided that from now on it’s best if he doesn’t come to the house again. I said he could see Annie at his and that I would drop her off and pick her up every time but that he wasn’t coming here again. He agreed it was best but then said he wasn’t going to be bullied out by Josh.  I told him that the situation with Josh had nothing to do with it and that it was his lack of respect for me, for all of the kids and for our home, that I had come to that decision. I said that from now on I was going to do what I should have done almost four years ago and really start to create a life separate to his and so no, he couldn’t spend the day with Jasper because Jasper is nothing to do with him, he is our dog. He said he didn’t see why Jasper had to suffer. We ended the conversation with me sticking very firmly to what I set out to do and Tom having no choice but to accept it.

Finally, after such a very long time, I feel as though I have control of my life again where Tom is concerned. He may be in my life because of Annie for the next 12 years or so but he’s not going to be in my home and he’s not going to be impacting our lives as much as he has for the last 10 years.

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