My mood has been quite low today. My lack of positivity made my day harder than it needed to be and then I realised that this is because Tom is away. It’s not because I miss him, it’s because it brings it home to me that he’s the only solid person in my life, except the kids. I’ve had no-one to talk to since Wednesday and I’m feeling slightly on edge at not having someone around for support.
I realised that the slightest change or disruption to my usual day to day routine can throw me, if only just mildly. This week Alice has started work so the dynamics have changed with me dropping her off and picking her up but also with her being out of the house all day, even when Katie, Annie and I are home. It’s unsettling for me and I’d love her to be home with us at weekends and with the 6 week holidays coming up. As well as that, the older girls told their Dad, Greg, that they no longer want to see him every weekend as they have done for the last eleven years and it’s hit me how it’s going to be with never having a break anymore. I’m exhausted and usually I take that 24 hours once a fortnight to recharge so I can carry on but I won’t have that anymore and although the girls aren’t hard work or demanding, it does still mean I won’t have any time to recharge.
Today also, I’ve been struck with loneliness, partly because Tom’s not around but also because I feel so alone again and so hopeless that life’s never going to be any different; that I’m always going to have money struggles and that it’s always just going to be me and the kids on our own and I’m scared it’s not enough. Not enough for me and not enough for them. The worst part about feeling lonely is my thoughts instantly start wandering to Phil which is ridiculous as they don’t at any other time. I’m not interested at all in Phil but I’m floundering with the loneliness and he was always there before when I felt lonely or in need. I’m having to remind myself that it’s not actually Phil that I want but the comfort of unconditional love.
Tonight, coincidentally Theo texted to see how I am. I haven’t spoken to him for about two months so it came quite out of the blue. He asked if I’d like to meet up for a drink next weekend and I had to say that I can’t because I’ll have the girls home. I know I could go out and have a drink with him but I told him no even though I think I’d quite like to. To say the minor changes that have occurred this week have thrown me somewhat would be an understatement.