Today I got the answer to my question from both Phil and Tom. Tom refused to answer. He said we were getting along great lately, he didn’t want to rock the boat but that when he heard what my friends thought about me he felt that must mean they don’t know me. In other words, all he would have said about me was negative stuff, stuff which would have proved to me that actually, he doesn’t know me at all or that he’s still gaslighting me. I said that we all have different experiences with different people and that his experience of me won’t be the same as it is with someone else as different people bring out different sides in another. While he agreed he also made it clear that by him being honest, it would mess things up between us.
Phil, on the other hand, sent me this today:
Sorry for the delay but someone like you can’t be summed up easily in just mere words. You’re an incredibly deep thinker, sometimes to your cost as you over analyse and miss the moment of action and are left paralysed, afraid to do and afraid not to do. That said I think you recognise this in yourself and you do/are making steps outside your comfort zone, standing up to Tom and setting your own boundaries is the biggest tell to me, I was really pleased for you.
You are incredibly spiritual, you see this life and everything that comes with it as an experience, a choice and a lesson. It’s something I find totally resonating and attractive.
You are fiercely loyal and loving; you have devoted your life to your children, in many respects they ARE your life, and they all are a credit to the investment of your time, energy, self you put in to them. They are all amazing people, mainly down to you.
You are passionate about many things although you do go through phases with them, for what you feel is right for your life at that moment. When you do something you 100% do it, and when you’re not feeling it you can’t be arsed at all.
I think you know you need to grow and to try new paths but the comfort of your bubble at home is too easy to withdraw into, although I know this is where you do your best introspection and processing.
You believe that you were put on this earth at this time for a particular purpose but i think you’re frustrated in not finding what it is yet.. However look at what you HAVE done and what you have accomplished, mainly on your own. Trust the road ahead.
You’ve also got an exceptionally inappropriate sense of humour, don’t deny it – embrace it.
You’re an amazing soul Annie, I’m glad we met.
Oh I forgot one of the most important qualities about you and one I totally respect and admire.
Living life with absolute integrity and honesty, no matter what. You are my teacher for that and I thank you for it.
What a difference! The thing is I know that Phil is able to give me this balanced view of who I am because he himself is balanced. Tom, meanwhile is showing more about himself here than he is about me because had it been the other way round I would have been able and willing to give him a balanced and well rounded opinion of how I view him. What a shame he cannot do the same for me.
When I went around to his tonight to drop Annie off he asked me to help him make his bed. When I asked why he said because it takes too long on his own. I really didn’t want to because it instantly rang warning bells in my mind of behaviours he used to show towards me. When he thinks we’re getting along, he starts to ask more and more of me, in terms of doing the menial jobs almost as if it’s to show me my place in the ‘relationship’. Stupidly I agreed. Very very stupidly. When I said something about it, as I was doing it with little help from him, he said, “Don’t agree to do something if you can’t do it with a good heart. I do loads of stuff for you, it won’t hurt you to do something for me.”
I don’t know when he does all these things for me as he’s not even allowed to come to the house and as I’m now doing all of the running around so he can see Annie. I’m a fool.