This time four years ago today, I was lying on a mattress on the floor of my new house for the first time having just left Tom. I don’t remember a great deal about that day other than loading the last lot of boxes to my car, saying goodbye to him and that his heart was breaking as much as mine and then my only memory is of lying on my mattress and feeling scared of the silence. The house was so dark and so deafeningly silent. I felt petrified.
Now four years on and I’m such a different person. I have such a strong sense of self. I’m confident, self assured, relaxed and happy. I have friends and I’m a good friend to them. I have had lovers, I’ve been loved deeply and I’ve loved in return. I’ve become strong enough to really find my own truth in life, to question the ‘rules’ and stop being a sheep. I’m finding my own way, I’m breaking the rules and then making my own and I’m just really enjoying discovering who I really am for the first time in my life.
If I hadn’t have had that deeply unsettling night four years ago, I may not have been in this place. Had I stayed with Tom I don’t know if I’d have even been sane. Leaving Tom was the right decision to make, the only decision I could make and it’s paid off more than I ever imagined it would. Despite the heartbreak and to-ing and fro-ing that I’ve done over that time, I know now, without any doubts or reservations, that my time with him had come to an end and it was right to explore life alone and it’s been amazing doing so.
The last four years have had incredible downs but amazing highs. Most of the highs, almost all of them, have been because of the kids. All four of them have been such amazing people and I am so blessed to have the privilege to raise them alone and not have to share my parenting experience with anyone. It truly has been and still is, an honour and a blessing.
Now as I look back, I inevitably look forward and I see a life of joy, self-discovery, self-satisfaction, rulemaking, love, happiness, laughter and deepening friendships. I see a future of work, career, abundance and fun. Eventually, I see a future of allowing love into my life again one day.
Right now though, I have Annie snuggled in my bed, Alice and Katie watching a film together upstairs and Josh in bed, with our dog, ready for another day at work tomorrow. We’re all relaxed, we’re all happy and we’re all so content with who we are. I couldn’t have asked for more when I laid on the mattress, awaiting the arrival of my bed, crying over what the future held. It turns out the gift that I gave to myself and my children by leaving him became something that, at the time, was beyond my wildest dreams in the most comfortable and serene way possible.