I’m Ready

Since the four year anniversary of leaving Tom two days ago, I’ve really felt as though a line has been drawn under that chapter of my life and as though I can start thinking about a new one and I’ve been questioning a long-held belief of mine. Whether I am ready for love again? I always tell myself that I’m not. I always reason that the kids need me too much or that I need to do this, that or the other first but today after talking to Phil last night, I think I may be ready for a relationship again.

That means opening myself up to the possibility of love but also the possibility of hurt. I know that if I were to allow love into my life again, the kind of love I would want is the kind that Phil gave me.  I don’t want Phil back and he doesn’t want to be with me again but I do want a similar relationship to the one we had. I want unconditional love and I want to give that back. I want to share my life with someone and I want to share in his. I want to be intimate and vulnerable with the right man and I want him to do that in return. I want the same level of love, openness, communication and trust that Phil and I had in each other. I want the physical attraction I felt with Tom. I want the comfort I had with Greg and I want the excitement I had with Danny. I want it all rolled up into one wonderful man and for our lives to touch each others’ in the deepest and most spiritual of ways. 

I have really questioned if I’m ready for a relationship, it is true, after all, that I am totally devoted to raising the children really well, as well as I possibly can without distractions. It is also painfully true that I have no time to myself anymore and therefore no free time to spend getting to know someone but these are just obstacles that I’m putting in my own path because if I wanted to spend time with someone I know I would make it happen somehow, although not at the detriment of the kids’ happiness.

I’ve spent the last four years of my life really getting to know who I am ~ my values, my strengths, my weaknesses, my needs and my desires and I’m a much stronger, more whole person because of it. What I am too, is harder because of the lack of love in my life and I want to change that. I want to soften, not in the way I did with Tom – I softened and became weaker –  but in the way that I did with Phil – I softened and became stronger. I leaned into his love and allowed it to help me grow in a very positive way.

I see relationships, particularly close, intimate, romantic relationships as our biggest and best teachers on the path of personal growth. I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the last four years but I think I need a new teacher now and I truly hope and pray that it’s a teacher of pure, unconditional love and kindness, one I can be my true authentic self with, one I can be vulnerable with and more open than I’ve ever been before. I want to fall deeply into a state of trust, growth, contentment and love with the right man. I’m ready. I’m scared but I’m ready.

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