Despite Phil being in a relationship with someone else for the last six months, he offered me sex tonight. We speak most days, I like it. I can have the deep, thought-provoking, spiritual conversations that I love so much but I thought I could do so without the fear of pressure from him because he’s in a relationship. However, his offer really got me thinking . . .
I’ve had no sex drive for months now but when I think about being in bed with Phil, of talking for hours, of being held physically and emotionally and of having so many of my soul’s needs met, I find myself awakening to physical possibilities. My mind tells me no. It’s not fair on Carol, it’s not fair on Phil, because I will end it again at some point and it’s not fair on me either because he won’t be able to separate sex from love and he will expect more and then start putting the pressure on as he has so many times before but I cannot deny that there is something so deep between Phil and I, a connection that I’ve always longed for and yet I’ve only ever received with a man that I don’t love for any other reason other than how he makes my soul soar.
I’m battling a great deal between my strong integrity about doing the right thing (deemed right by society), and my deep need to be close to the only person that’s ever loved and accepted me exactly as I am. The only person in the world that doesn’t try to change me, that never judges me but does guide me and is always patient, loving and kind. I’m torn between following the strong urge that I have to be near him, to talk for hours and hours, to cuddle up, to connect on every level and then to leave again when the urge takes me. To follow my instincts in this way could lead to more heartbreak and pain for him, more stress for me and complete devastation for Carol or, I can view these feelings as something life wants me to listen to, follow them each and every time they happen and just see where they take us all. After all, I knew sleeping with Tom would cause me heartache but I listened to what I was feeling in that moment, did it anyway and while it did bring me confusion and some pain for a short while, it also gave me clarity that I’d previously lacked. Having sex and attempting to reconnect with Tom actually was what broke the connection. I felt the pull, I listened, I trusted what I was feeling, totally went for it and it released me.
Is this exactly what Phil and I spoke about when we were together? Trusting what you’re feeling, going with it and seeing where it takes you? Is it selfish to do that? People could get hurt along the way but maybe also, people can be brought to where they’re meant to be. After all, there are no mistakes or wrong turns. It’s funny how really the only thing holding me back from listening and acting on this pull, apart from hurting Carol, is my fear that Phil will start putting pressure on me. If he could come and go from this as easily as I can then we’d have no problem, if he could have a relationship with me with no attachments to the outcome then we could both follow the pull and see where it wants to take us, instead, I’m resisting out of fear.
There are other areas of my life that are pulling me at the moment and I’m listening, in fact I’m not even making a conscious decision to listen, I’m feeling them and just acting without thought or fear, I’m just trusting that there’s a reason for the pull and I will find out the reason in due course. One of those things is Theo, the man I went on a date with and had sex with last year. He keeps popping into my head randomly and then two nights in a row I dreamt about him but rather than it being a dream, it felt like a pull so I emailed him to see how he was and he said he’d been thinking about me too. I haven’t replied yet but I will because I feel the pull to do so but also, I’m intrigued as to what life is showing me via Theo. I just want to explore and see where it leads, certain that it will lead me somewhere, even if that somewhere is just about getting to know myself even more.
The other pull I had, only tonight was an old school friend, Andy. He suddenly came to mind tonight, completely out of nowhere so I looked him up on Facebook, added him as a friend and discovered he now lives in America. This ignited something in me and right now, that’s all I know. Andy has never featured greatly in quantity in my life, but has featured in quality. Andy was the boy I feared at school. He was huge, taller than everyone else, bigger than everyone else and walked round in Army combats full of anger and aggression. I was petrified of him. He, I thought, didn’t have a clue I even existed which was absolutely fine by me but then 11 years ago we met at a school reunion that I organised, we spoke and got on so well. He was gentle, kind and mellow and I really enjoyed his company. If it weren’t for Andy I wouldn’t have met Tom. Andy, that night suggested I join a chat site to connect with people and make friends. He said it wasn’t just a dating website but also a friends site and that he’d made loads of friends on there so I did just that and within a couple of weeks I’d met Tom and the rest is history. Andy led me to the most significant relationship of my life so for him to pop into my head now, for no apparent reason, intrigues me greatly and the fact he’s in America really spikes my interest and I don’t yet understand why. All I can do is what I’ve done. Reached out, made contact and now wait and see why.
So, I can trust and act on my pull towards Theo and towards Andy but not towards Phil. There is no fear surrounding connecting with Theo or Andy but there is with Phil so maybe one of the lessons here is to let go of fear and just trust even if it means I and at least two other people could get hurt in the process, or they could find themselves exactly where they need to be to be?