I deleted my account from the dating site today. It wasn’t right, as I knew it wouldn’t be. I looked at every single man on there between the ages of 35 and 53 in within a fifty-mile radius. Every single one was into nothing but sport and travelling. Not one of them said anything about themselves that I thought I could connect with and then I started really questioning myself . . .
Why am I looking when I don’t 100% want it at this point in my life? Probably not even 50% actually.
Why am I looking when I don’t have time to go out on regular dates, nor do I really want to?
Why am I looking when I know that bringing a man into the equation would unsettle the balance I have with the kids?
Why am I looking when I’m not ready to share me?
I’m still enjoying this love affair I’m having with myself, that I began only a couple of short years ago. I’m not ready to give that up yet, I don’t want to. This is a wonderful time in my life where I am learning so much about myself and allowing myself to grow as an independent woman. I’m discovering my strengths and my weaknesses and I’m fully committed to continuing that.
I realised that the love affair I’m having is all I want right now. I don’t need to look elsewhere for anything and for the first time in my life I’m choosing to be celibate and I’m enjoying it. There’s no pressure to look good or to shave my legs or to wear nice underwear or to do anything I don’t want to do. I can just be me and that’s good enough for me right now.
Besides, these last four years living on my own have taught me that life is good alone. It’s everything that I choose it to be and more and that I don’t have to settle for mediocre because what I have now is incredible and so if and when I do reach a point of opening myself up to love, it will be nothing short of the fiercest, most passionate, mind-blowing, spiritual, life-affirming love I’ve ever had. I’m no longer prepared to settle for less. I don’t need to because there is nothing lacking in my life and so a man will be coming in only to walk beside me, not hold me up and carry me as all other relationships have in the past because for the first time ever, I’m carrying myself and it’s an amazing place to be.