I woke in such a great mood today. My energy has been high all week; a combination of connecting with Michael who messaged me a few days ago. Michael is a man that I seem to share similar beliefs with and it’s given us some really interesting conversations so far. The other thing that’s lifted my energy has been writing this blog. Using my experiences to hopefully help others has really made me appreciate just how hard life was back then but just how far I’ve grown from what I went through. It was no small feat and I feel really proud of myself for my achievements.
I spent the morning flitting between the study writing up more and the kitchen doing the housework. I had itunes on random play, I was singing loudly and dancing badly. I felt amazing! When the song changed and For your Babies came on by Simply Red, within seconds I’d gone from deliriously happy to crying. I wasn’t sad, I was just overcome with emotion. I thought back to a day in May 1992, Josh was 11 months old. I’d just given him his lunch, he was playing on the floor and the same song came on the radio. As he played I wrote in a journal ~ “Josh, my darling son. I cannot begin to explain how I feel about you, the depths of my love for you are nothing I’ve ever known before. I can’t get enough of your sweet baby smell, your laugh, your mischief. Your breath on my neck as you nuzzle in for sleepy hugs. I know today, without a doubt that I will love you forever. I promise you that no matter what you do in life, good or bad, I will never ever stop loving you. I won’t be able to. I won’t want to. My love is everlasting and nothing you ever do will change that. I love you. Mummy.” We then made the most of the beautiful spring day by going to the park. Josh, who had just learnt to walk, toddled slowly and cautiously around the grass, squealed with excitement at seeing dogs bounding by and kept coming over to point something out, talking in his own little way and giving me hugs. It was a series of beautiful moments on the most beautiful of days and I can remember it just as clearly today as I could on the day it happened.
The emotion I felt back then infused itself into the song that was now playing on itunes. It is our song, mine and Josh’s for as much as I would do anything for him and love him unconditionally, he did something amazing for me. He saved me. Josh’s birth was the catalyst to healing and to love. Without him, I really don’t know where I would be. He was my first love and to this day he still acts as my saviour in all the many different ways he experiences life ~ he’s a shining example of living with integrity and listening to your soul and the best bit is he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. He gave me challenge after challenge growing up with ADHD, really what he was doing was giving me lessons, teaching me the ways of the world, the real world. Showing me how to live life without rules and social conditioning, instead to find my own truth and have the courage to live it. Josh helped me find myself again and again and again, just by being himself.