Assumptions and Lies

I told a lie today, it’s not something that happens very often but I couldn’t face telling the truth and feeling the impact of that because to be honest about what was going on would have meant admitting that I still suffer from major insecurities at times.

Linda introduced the idea to me recently that her brother, Michael and I might be good for each other as we had lots in common and were quite similar in our beliefs. I had some fears come up about opening up again and so I was honest with Linda about my feelings. However, I gave an open ended option in giving her brother my number and leaving it down to him if he wanted to get in touch anytime. He did and we’ve exchanged a few messages. However, when he didn’t reply after three days to a message I sent him, all of my insecurities came back out to play. At first, I told myself that maybe he was busy at work or that he had his children over or that he was just tired but then I decided that it had to be because I’d written something in my last message to him that had offended him in some way. I read it again and then again but couldn’t find anything too bad so then I re-read his last message to me and I saw what had happened. I hadn’t read between the lines at what he was really saying to me and because I’d failed to do that, he’d backed off. Of course! So I wrote him a long message apologising for not seeing it before and I reassured him that I understood where he was coming from and I went on and on and on with my apologetic crap. And it was crap because when the poor bloke messaged me back almost straight away it wasn’t anything like that at all It was that he hadn’t been feeling well and he was waiting until it passed! I told him I was a cock, which I was and then I said it’s because I care so deeply about people.
I lied.

Well, I did and I didn’t. I do care deeply about people but what I omitted to tell him was that actually what I was, was scared. Scared that I’d done or said something wrong. Scared that he didn’t like the real me. Scared that I wasn’t good enough. I was scared of everything. My insecurities took over all logic despite me thinking I had a good handle on them and that I’d worked through them enough! Clearly not. I thought more about if I lie in my life. I tell myself I’m a very honest person and I believe I am on the whole but I can’t deny that I do lie too. I lied to Annie this week when she asked if we could go swimming. In fact, I’ve lied to her for the last four years about why we can’t go swimming. I tell her it’s because I haven’t got a swimsuit and that I can’t afford one. It’s a lie. I don’t take my precious daughter swimming and teach her a valuable life skill because I’m too embarrassed to be seen in public in a swimsuit. I’m not hideous but my body isn’t what I want it to be and I don’t want people seeing it. So Annie loses out instead.

I lied to myself four years ago. I took photos of myself to prove to me that I was attractive and then I printed them off so I could keep looking at them and feel better about myself except I lied because I edited them. I made my stomach smaller than it actually was at the time because it was the only way I could claw back some self-esteem and self-respect after being rejected sexually by Tom. I liked the way I looked in those edited photos, I could believe I was sexy but the truth is that every time I looked in the mirror I didn’t feel that way because I was seeing what I really looked like and I have a ridiculous notion that unless my stomach is small and flat, I am ugly and unattractive. 

I lied to Michael. I lied to Annie. I lied to myself. I failed to be my authentic self because to do that I would have told Michael the absolute truth. I’d have allowed him to really see who I am and if he didn’t like that and if it frightened him off, well at least I’d have been honest with him because now if it happens again I  have to admit I lied last time or I have to lie again and I’m not prepared to do that. Whether Michael and I become more than just two people that message each other now and then or not, he deserves to see the real me, all of me. He deserves to know who he is talking to and who he is friends with from the very start, even if it scares him away. He deserves to know that once upon a time I got hurt and it helped to shape me into someone that suffers from rejection issues now and then. He deserves to know that I have been working on them and that I’m still doing so but that now and then, they’re going to rear their head again and remind me that I’m not done yet. He deserved to know that he’s going to feel that once in a while. Mostly, he deserved to meet me at my worst so he can greet me at my best. It would have given him the freedom to do the same with me. To allow me to see his insecurities and for me to reassure him that I accept that part of him the same way I need to accept that part of me because that is what all of my lies are about. I’m not willing to accept that those parts of me exist but until I do and until I embrace them, they will actually play a bigger role in my life than when the day comes that I take them in my arms and welcome them. I need to welcome into my life my fear of rejection, in whatever form it takes ~ in a swimsuit, in a naked unedited photograph or in a lack of a message for a whole three days. Acceptance is the only way.

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