Time to Deal with Dad

Last night I dreamt that I am driving a motor home but instead of there being a steering wheel, there are two ropes that I have to pull on. The ropes act as brakes as well as the usual pedals. I feel out of my depth and not fully in control but am actually handling it really well. I come up to some traffic lights and realise that the holiday place we’re staying at is to the right. I don’t know how I know this, I just do. I wonder if I’ve been here before. As I wait for the lights to change I sense Tom behind me, I don’t want him there as he makes me feel under pressure. He moves but sits next to me. He takes up all the space and I can no longer maneuver properly, he is wearing a black puffy jacket and his arm is touching mine. I know I won’t be able to drive properly if he’s there plus I know he’ll stress me out and judge me. I ask him to move. He does and then my stepdad sits in his place. He doesn’t encroach on my space at all, even when I notice that he’s put his arm around the lower half of my back it doesn’t restrict, in fact I feel safe, comforted and calm. I look ahead at the traffic lights and see that they’re green and I realise they have been for a while. I start to move slightly hoping that they don’t turn red before I get through. I don’t think I’ll have time to go but decide to anyway as soon as the oncoming traffic has passed. I wait, about 4-5 cars come along and just as the light turns red I go for it and turn right. I drive down the new road and I instantly recognise it and I know exactly where I’m going and that the holiday place we’re going to will be at the end of it.

Katie is sat on a sofa in the motor home. We are at the campsite, she’s on her laptop, writing. I ask what she’s doing and she tells me that she is writing her blog. She tells me what it is called, it’s something about her Dad being a monster. I say to her that this is great as it means she is getting out all that she feels about her Dad which is good and better than her bottling it up and stuffing it all down. I feel proud of her. Katie tells me I can read her blog if I want. I tell her it’s a really good thing and I’m glad she’s dealing with her pain.

Instead of staying as long as we intended we’ve decided to come home and are going to leave once I’ve packed up enough. I don’t have to pack completely as obviously I’ll be driving the motor home back but I do need to put away all the stuff that could fall all over the place. I look around and realise I have more to do than I first thought, the home is a mess with stuff everywhere. I decide to start by getting the washing in before it gets dark and damp. I get it all in and roughly shove it all into a bag. The bag is bursting with the amount of stuff that’s in there but I keep cramming in more until all the clean clothes are in. I see Tom stride off towards the front door and I hear voices. I hear a man’s voice and then I hear Tom shouting at him, he is really angry. The man shouts something back and then speeds away in his car. Tom shouts again, he’s so angry. I go out to where he is, he’s lost in the anger and when Annie comes out to see what’s going on, I quickly steer her back into the kitchen/living area to protect her from seeing him like this. I feel as though I need to protect her from seeing his anger. I go on the laptop and on Facebook and I somehow, despite not knowing the man’s name,  find the profile of the man that Tom was arguing with, his name is Michael and as I read through his stuff I can see that he’s been really annoyed with Tom the whole time we’ve been staying there for various things Tom has said or done. I didn’t realise it had been such a problem until now and I realise that Tom made them cut their holiday short and he drove them away. Tom is still at the door talking to the owner of the holiday site. The owner isn’t cross with Tom but has befriended him and is being understanding over the whole matter. I don’t really get this. My sister, Millie appears next to me and says that she’s decided to go home today too and will be leaving at 6 pm after she’s seen her friend, Kerry. I’m not sure I’ll be ready by 6 pm. I go over to the sink and think about going home (Mum and Dad’s home). I haven’t lived there since I was 18 but I know I have to move back there for now. I wonder what it was like for Izzy and Sasha when Millie and I moved out. It’s time to move back though and although I sense we won’t be staying indefinitely, I do feel that it’s the right thing to do right now.

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I don’t think I’ve ever had a dream that was so clear in its meaning and of what I need to do. I need to work through the issues with Tom and the issues with my Dad, both of which are linked; one wouldn’t have happened without the other and the time to do that is now. The light is green and I know where I’m going with this. I need to learn what it is to have a loving parent, this time in the form of a loving father and deal with what I’ve tried to avoid in some cases, and thought I’d dealt with in others, because as the dream is showing me, if I don’t deal with this anger, or rather my fear of anger then it will drive Michael (or what he currently represents) away. If not Michael, then the next man, or the one after and the one after! It will continue until I deal with this, or I will continue to attract angry men into my life. I know this means I need to churn up all the old shit again, something I really don’t want to do. Dad and I are at a point where we get on well, he’s a different man to who he was when I was growing up and I’d like to keep my mind in that headspace and not return to who he was back then but it looks as though I’m going to have to face it. That or risk never truly moving on.

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