Time To Find The Positives

I barely slept last night, I tossed and turned, I woke constantly. I kept waking in fear that someone had broken into the house and I had the worst anxiety that I’ve had in a long time, the explosion of butterflies in my tummy woke me continuously. Today I am exhausted, not helped by two bad dreams I also had when I did manage to sleep.

This morning in the school playground, Linda said she’d made a connection between what I wrote last night about not receiving a gift from my Dad and the dream I had on Saturday night. I couldn’t see it at first but then I spent an hour talking to Sam about an issue she has at the moment. She kept talking of the negatives about her boyfriend and about her ex and I kept reiterating to her that where there is a negative, there has to be a positive and vice versa. One cannot exist without the other ~ day can’t exist without night. I encouraged her to find the positives in her relationship and not just focus on the negatives. Not to fall back in love with him but so that she could see what she’s learned and use it for her personal growth. Once she looked at it this way she was able to do so and she really embraced the positives in her boyfriend’s negative behaviour.

I got home and did the Maths! Linda’s words plus my words to Sam = I’ve never looked at the positives in what happened with my parents. I’ve never wanted to because my ego has wanted desperately to hold on to the negatives so I can keep it as my ‘poor me’ story but all it’s really doing is creating an unbalanced view of my childhood because I know that, while my childhood was challenging at times, there were also many times it wasn’t. Now it’s time to look deeply at the positives, which is what I think my dream on Saturday was telling me when I was putting all the clean washing into the bag, I was stuffing it all away without really looking at it which is now making me look at my interpretation of the entire dream in a different light because part of the dream, where Tom was at my front door shouting angrily at the man, actually happened in real life just 3-4 months ago. If I remind myself what happened after that was that I forced myself to find the positive and I did. The positive from Tom’s behaviour that day was for me to put in a strong boundary and stop him from coming to my house any more. Because I did that, I’m happier and the kids are happier because he’s no longer coming into our sacred space and dictating our house rules. The positive was that I was able to get him out of our lives a lot more than he’d been previously and we’ve all flourished since then.

So, it’s time to stop reliving over and over the negatives of my childhood and it’s time to let my heart burst open with all the positives. This is the step I missed when I did all the work around my parents earlier in the year. I knew I had skipped a stage I just didn’t know what it was. This is it. It’s time for love and that love will surround and embrace all of the fears and all of the negative aspects of my childhood and in doing so will show me the truth. I can already feel it’s not going to be easy. My ego has gripped tightly onto the bad times for so many years and I can feel such resistance to looking for the good but I know I have to try.

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