An Unexpected Storm

I’ve been trying to work through the list that I wrote in April when I purged through a ton of childhood issues that caused me pain but all I’ve managed to do is feel anger. I was trying so hard to find the positives or if not that, to at least understand why, but the more I worked through, the angrier I got. 

I’m so fucking angry with Mum for the crappy, bullshit childhood she gave me. I’m angry with her for not getting help for her depression, she never has because it fucking suits her to be a fucking martyr. She’s only happy when she’s got something to moan about or someone to slag off. She’s sadistic and narcissistic. Nothing is good enough for her, ever. I’m so angry with mum for not dealing with her depression. I know how unfair that sounds but I, and my sisters, needed a mum that was ‘normal ‘and happy not an angry, depressed, repressed shell that did nothing but complain, moan, criticise and make the house black with her moods. That is the clearest description of my childhood that I can give, it was black. There was very little love and laughter, there was just anger, passive aggressive moods, martyrdom, fear based parenting and I use the term parenting very loosely. There were no boundaries, nothing felt safe and even laughing was seen as bad behaviour that would get us punished. I was raised with fear, I felt constantly as though I were walking on eggshells trying not to anger her for fear of what she would shout and scream at me or what she would do to my sisters. I developed a childhood of lies, never feeling safe to express my feelings, instead everything I said or did was about trying to keep her happy. My entire childhood, it felt, was oppressive and as much as I want to try and find the truth and find the positives I can’t. I’m still too angry. I can be loving, understanding, empathetic and compassionate but the truth is that Mum took no responsibility for her feelings or her illness back then and still, 25-30 years later, she still hasn’t. While I don’t know if she’s still depressed, I do know that she’s still stuck in a cycle of negativity; she’s so negative in the way she talks to people, it’s still all about putting people down, insulting them, belittling them and she still slags off Dad at every available opportunity and she’s still putting on the act that she’s played my entire life. 

She was a crap mum and she’s a shit Nan and if it wasn’t enough for her to seriously affect her four children, she’s now inflicting her crap onto a generation of grandchildren.

And Dad, he’s not a great deal better. He rang me yesterday asking if he could bounce something off of me. He wanted advice. Izzy has asked him to lend her the money for a deposit for a new house and he wanted my opinion. I didn’t want to answer fairly. I wanted to scream at him, “Give her the fucking money and treat her fairly for once in your fucking life.”  I want him to stop accusing her of stuff and to start to treat her with respect and love. I want him to stop treating Millie and Sasha like fucking princesses and giving them everything they ask for and start seeing the damage it does. How it’s fucking up Sasha’s life because the Dad that’s always given her whatever she wants is now refusing and won’t even talk to her nicely because he’s angry with her for always taking. Why can’t he fucking see that he’s created the monster? Now, 34 years too late he’s decided to start giving Sasha boundaries and he doesn’t like her reaction and I’ve absolutely no doubt that within a few weeks, he’ll cave in, drop the new boundaries and give her exactly what she wants.

Now, 37 years after giving no love to Izzy, he wants my advice and help about what he should do. Grow the fuck up and deal with this shit you’ve created and start loving your daughter. It’s fucking simple.

Then he wanted to know what I thought about things with Millie because the other daughter that he’s spoilt rotten since birth and treated like fucking royalty is walking all over him. He’s actually complaining because he took out a mortgage for £300,000 so Millie could live in a house she wanted to live in but couldn’t afford and now he’s not sure she’ll ever be able to buy him out. Really? Why would she buy him out when she can have a big house in a nice area for a rental price well below what she would pay on a proper market or if she was covering the mortgage.

I’m not angry because I feel as though he’s unfair to me, he’s not at all. I set him boundaries where he needed them and I never ask or take from him but I am angry that he cannot see that he created all of this shit and rather than taking responsibility, he just gets angrier and more unfair with Izzy and Sasha but still worships the ground Millie walks on. The one thing I am thankful for is that he did treat me so differently because it taught me the most valuable lesson of all. To stand on my own two feet, to be my own supporter and saviour and it taught me strength.

I cannot stand wishy washy parenting and this is all my parents have ever done. There were no firm boundaries when we were young and there still aren’t. Nobody should even be going to Mum or Dad for money but they all do and each and every time it gets rewarded to them. What the fuck are they going to do when Mum and Dad are dead? They’re going to fall apart because they’ve never learnt to stand on their own two feet.

My parents are weak and spineless and I have no respect for people like that. Their parenting then and now, goes against everything I believe parenting is and now, because they can sense it’s not working, they come to me for advice. I have become the fucking parent to both of them because they’re incapable. It’s fucked up. They’ve both happily sat back and done nothing over the years. They’ve never helped where it really matters, with support or time. They abandoned Izzy four years ago when she had a nervous breakdown and left me to take her into my home and care for her because they didn’t want to deal with her and now they’re sitting back and doing nothing while Sasha and her daughter are going through a rough patch but expecting me to give them unconditional emotional support. I’m trying to support both people fairly and lovingly and trying to remain impartial. It’s so fucking hard and Mum and Dad are nowhere to be seen.

I’m supporting myself, my kids, my mum, my dad, my niece, my sister, and nephew, Millie’s son, whenever he needs it because of the issues he has with Millie and it’s fucking draining.

Mum has chosen to keep the role of victim by marrying and staying with another controlling man, because it is a choice. Even if those choices are ruled by fear, it’s still a choice and it still impacts and it still means she phones me up complaining about him and about how terrible her life is and no matter how loving and patient, understanding and loyal I am, she still can’t see that she creates this and she is the master of her own destiny. It fucking suits her to be abused so she can keep running the victim story (and I’m well aware I’m being very unfair here).

I’m really struggling to sit with this anger, it feels as though I’ve taken ten steps backwards and I don’t want to feel it when I thought I’d moved into forgiveness and compassion but I have to just go with it.

I’m angry. That’s it. All these years later, all the distance I’ve put between myself and my parents and sisters, still I’m angry. All the hard work I’ve done on myself over the past four years and I’m still fucking back here and that in itself makes me fucking angry because I don’t want to feel this but I am, so I just am. 

And now I feel breathless and empty. An hour has passed since I started writing this, I’ve vented and really felt the anger and what was just sixty minutes ago a raging storm inside of me is now merely a cloud in the distance. It’s still in the sky of my life but the storm is moving away.

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