Embrace Yourself

I gave Colin a lift home this morning so he didn’t have to get soaked in the rain. Instead of going straight home, I popped in to see Linda. As usual, our conversation turned into something that gave me food for thought.

Linda was saying that one of the things that she liked about me first was my honesty. She said that she likes that about people although at the same time it makes her feel a little uncomfortable too. When the conversation turned to alcohol and what we’re like when we’ve had a drink Linda said that she’s okay with a couple of drinks but after that, she starts to tell people the truth, so it’s one of the reasons she doesn’t drink. I explained that when I’ve had a few to drink I get naughty and mischievous.

Once I got home, I found myself in a daydream. I was thinking about my naughty side and how it’s very innocent, it’s clean naughtiness rather than anything else. It’s childlike mischief and how whenever I allow it to happen, ie: I get drunk and it comes out, I feel alive. I can be quite like it in every day life anyway but when alcohol is fueling it, it really comes out resulting in me feeling better, more me.

I then thought about Linda and I wondered why she tries to deny this part of herself because the truth is, we, her friends, all know it’s there anyway. Linda has a beautifully soft, warm energy, a very caring aura about her but alongside that, we all feel that we know where we stand with her and we all sense, despite it never happening, that if we step out of line, she’ll put us in our place! Not in a negative way but in a ‘mum’ way. She is the matriarch of the group and we all feel that without it having happened.

I wondered if Linda ‘hides’ this part of herself because she lives a life of goodness, kindness, positivity and warmth and that maybe she feels that to allow the other part of her to come out, it would make her less in some way and then I realised that when we deny a part of ourselves like this, the part that fights to come out and we push it down until we lose all our inhibitions through alcohol, for example, we’re actually not living a whole life. We’re not living a truly spiritual life.

I don’t allow my naughty, mischievous side out often enough, I choose to show the more sensible side most of the time, and Linda doesn’t show that part of her that comes out when she’s had a drink and what we’re both doing doesn’t constitute a spiritual, whole life because living a spiritual life, in my view, is about being true to all of who you are and not hiding it.

I hide my childlike naughtiness because I fear that I can take a joke too far or because I think it’s inappropriate or whatever other reason comes up at the time but actually, to live a full life and to have a full soul experience, I should embrace it whenever it wants to come out and play.

I suppose the reason I don’t is that I’ve always worried that it will piss people off and that I’ll lose friends from my life but actually it might do the opposite, the very least it would do is give me a more authentic experience.

My view on life as I’ve got older has definitely become more about embracing who I really am and allowing others to see who I am, good and bad, or at least what I deem to be good and bad.  Since I began embracing this bit by bit over the last few years, more and more of my kind of people have come into my life; people I get on with really well, people that I feel safe enough to be myself with, ultimately it’s brought into my life people that I feel safe enough to be vulnerable with and to allow to see parts of me that I’ve previously been ashamed of.

For me, it’s a time to really embrace who I am, all of me. I’ve spent a lifetime hiding my light away, even more so hiding my ‘dark’ away but the conversation with Linda really helped me see that I don’t need to do that. All I need to do, to have the full life experience is be me and embrace every part of who I am.  If Linda chooses to do the same, will I like her any less because she tells me the truth or gives me a strong opinion about something? No, I’ll probably love her more because she’s showing me her authentic self and I can only respect that. The same as a true friend will only respect my authentic self. 

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