I’m having some more fears coming up today about meeting Michael. I’m not worried about him, per se, I’m concerned about what will happen if we like each other and what if it leads somewhere.
Most people, I’m sure, worry about what if the person doesn’t like them. Not me. I have to be awkward and worry about the opposite.
It’s all come about because of what I learnt when I was with Phil. Prior to meeting Phil, I went into every relationship with only my heart, with Phil I learnt about using my head and now it won’t shut up! It keeps telling me that now is not a good time to meet someone and possibly start a relationship (despite the fact it may not happen anyway) because my life is too hectic right now. I’m just about to launch my new business and that will take over an awful lot of my thinking and my time. I’m pretty skint at the minute so I’ll be restricted on dating. I won’t let a man pay for everything, I like it to be equal but the fact is, right now, I can’t afford to date as I plough all of my money into the business. I’m so busy with the kids and all their different needs and I don’t want someone coming into that and telling me they know better, as has happened in the past. I don’t want my life turned upside down and changed. I like my life, pretty much all of the time so why change that?
I suppose what all this boils down to, once again, is fear.
What if I start a relationship with someone and either I can’t give them enough time because of my new business or choose them and neglect the business.
What if I have to tell someone I’m too skint to pay my way? I won’t allow them to pay fully so then what? Plus it’ll be embarrassing to tell someone I can’t afford to do anything too expensive.
What if I neglect the kids’ needs for the sake of a relationship or that I’m so busy with the kids that I can’t find the time or emotional energy to be with a man.
What if I lose the tiny amount of time that I get to myself? How will I split my time between yet another person?
What if I start a relationship and it all gets too much and I hurt the other person?
Basically, it’s fear of change. I think because I’ve reached a point in my life where I am happy and content and I’m not looking for anyone to improve my life that I almost don’t see the point. All other relationships have been for the wrong reason – because I was looking for someone else to save me, look after me, rescue me. This time around I’m self-sufficient, I don’t need a man or a relationship for anything. There is nothing a man can bring to my life that I don’t already give to myself and that’s a strange place to be, it’s somewhere I’ve never been before, it’s so new I don’t know how to work with it.
I kind of don’t see the point. What can a man or a relationship really give me that I don’t already give myself? I’ll have to make changes to my life in areas that don’t need changing and that leads me to the ultimate question – why fix something that’s not broken?
And yet, they say that the healthiest of relationships are those that start from a basis of not needing someone else to fix you or complete you or any of that other crap that indicates you’re not self-sufficient, but how and why do you even begin when you have no desire to do so. It’s just not making a great deal of sense to me right now and I think the only way it’s going to make sense is if my heart takes over, ie; I meet someone and feel an immediate spark, and silences my head so that it all does make some sense.
I suppose I need love to overpower everything else and if it doesn’t then I’m just not going to be pursuing it.