When Nothing Seems Real

After deciding that we would go on a date together, Michael and I talked about where but then Linda suggested that we go round to hers, where Michael also lives, and we both have dinner with her and Colin. I didn’t think it was an ideal first date but I agreed. The dinner date was last night and it was odd.

As I pulled my car up outside their house, I saw Michael get in his car and pull it up over the road. I waited for him, he saw me, said, “How you didlin’?” then hugged me. We went into the house, chatted for a minute with Linda and Colin and then sat down to eat. Some feelings that I’ve been having about Linda and  Colin for the last week or so were yet again, in play. I couldn’t stop feeling that they’re really false, that they portray a perfect life but I also can’t help but feel an undercurrent of something else. Lies. There’s a passive aggressiveness to Linda which I don’t like and wasn’t evident at the beginning of our friendship. She dominates conversations, she’s loud and she very much wears the trousers in the house. Colin, Michael and the kids just seem to do as they’re told and I don’t like it. Linda is all sweetness on the surface but I really sense it underneath. It’s as though she’s swallowed a pill that makes her believe she can’t express anything other than niceness but because she’s not being true to her feelings, it comes out passively.

The result of it was that I didn’t get to spend any time alone with Michael so I didn’t get to know him any more than I do from our texts. One thing I did start to wonder though was how would he even cope in the real world without Linda there to look after him and tell him what to do. During our dinner date, I found out that texts that he sends to his ex wife, he runs by Linda first to check they’re ok. That to me, shows a sign of weakness and a lack of trust in himself. All texts are changed to the way Linda thinks they should be – nice and not saying what he’s really feeling. It’s lies. Linda seems to have real issues with expressing what she feels so she covers it up with niceness. I’d rather be honest about my feelings than be nice for the sake of being nice. I don’t think I can respect a man that has to get his sister’s go ahead to send a text to his ex wife.

I’m not comfortable with the fact that he’s lived with Linda and Colin for the last nine years since his divorce and they’re all happy with that. I think Michael is so used to being with a domineering woman, a woman that tells him what to do at every turn that he wouldn’t cope for one minute with someone like me, someone that would encourage him to make his own decisions.  I’m not going to step into that role, the way I did with Phil, it’s unattractive to me.

I liked Michael as a person, what little I got to see of him; he’s intelligent and funny but I don’t feel that there will be more than friends or a couple of dates. Our lives seem too different. Linda, Colin and Michael’s parenting styles seem to be all about positive parenting and while mine is the same I also like to do realistic parenting. The kids and I are very down to earth, we’re nice to each other, we’re positive, we’re loving, but we’re also not afraid to argue and swear at each other. We’re not scared to discuss difficult topics like sex, drugs, alcohol. Michael, Linda and Colin seem to be about creating a wonderful, magical childhood and just trying to appear perfect constantly.  I can’t do that. I’m too real. I fuck up and the kids see it and that’s bloody great because it shows them that we all fuck up at times and no-one gets it right all of the time. No-one.

So today, after very little quality sleep and a night filled with anxiety dreams, I feel anxious, angry and out of sorts. I don’t want to get too heavily involved with the family because it’s just not real enough. I can’t get out of my head what Linda said about Michael’s ex-wife a few weeks ago which was that she wants to be the best at her job and the best mother. I can’t help thinking she’s mirroring Linda ~ that Linda wants to be the best mother, the best wife, the best life guide.

I suppose what I’m really saying is I don’t want to get too involved with Linda and Colin. Michael, I would meet up with alone and see how things go but long term, I can’t see it happening. One thing’s for sure, I ended the night feeling disappointed, bored and out of place. Actually, I felt completely drained by it and I still do now. Not by Michael, but by Linda and Colin even though they’re my friends.

There were points in the evening I craved Tom and Phil’s company because at least it was more real.
I suppose in life that’s all I want. Something real. No bullshit, no fabrications, no falseness. I want authenticity and truth and I now think I know I’m not going to get that with Linda and Colin which is wrong because it should be Michael, but it feels as though to have any involvement with him, the other two come as part of the package too.

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