Heart Opening

 I was suddenly struck by a feeling of loneliness today, a feeling I realised is happening more and more lately. It’s very unusual for me to feel this way but slowly, yet surely, it’s been creeping up on me over the last few months. It’s not a feeling I am comfortable with at all.

I see it as a bad thing. I feel that I am a weaker person for feeling lonely. I’m haunted by thoughts of needing to stop the feelings because it will mean I’m needy and it will mean that if I were to embark on a relationship when I feel like this, then the relationship would be built on a foundation of negativity. I’ve read too much ‘new age’ stuff about having to be happy with yourself and happy being alone before you can really have a healthy relationship and I’ve twisted that around to create bullshit. It’s right about being happy alone, but I twisted alone to lonely and made it not okay because the truth is I am happy alone. I love my time that’s all about me. I can cope with everything as a single person and I don’t need someone in my life to make everything better. It struck me just how much I lie to myself when I came across this quote this afternoon:

Loneliness is okay. In fact, it’s the feeling of our beautiful raw vulnerable heart, finally open. Don’t close.”

It resonated so much. That’s it. After all this time, my heart is finally opening and what I’m finding is what I thought was emptiness is actually a space that’s ready to be filled. Not out of any ego-driven needs or any hurts that I want to heal but out of a want to spend time with someone, to share my life and to share in theirs.

My loneliness is a healthy wake-up call to say it’s safe to let someone in now and to take the good from it that can occur from doing so.  I thought about my friends and how I don’t need them but I choose to have them in my life because I love them for who they are and for the times we share together and I realised that allowing a man and a relationship into my life would be the same. It’s a choice this time around. We wouldn’t have to spend every waking moment in each other’s pockets, we could choose, like I do with my friends, to see each other, to enhance each other’s lives and to share the good, fun, happy times and to love and support during the harder times. 

Listening to my loneliness and accepting it for what it really is has allowed me to see that a relationship with a man wouldn’t need to be that much different to my relationships with my friends. I don’t have those women in my life because I need them, I have them because, while my life is great anyway, they make it greater, more interesting and more diverse and a romantic relationship could do the same.

So, I’m going to just go with loneliness and instead of viewing it as a bad thing, I’m going to view it for what it really is ~ my heart opening, ready to let love in.

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