You’ve Got To Be Cruel To Be Kind

I cut Phil out of my life completely tonight. Although we’ve had no face to face contact for a long time, he’s still been in email contact periodically but it’s all been updates on his health, telling me that he has sleep apnoea or that he’s got ear infections or vertigo. It all just seemed to me to be about trying to make me feel sorry for him.

The other day he sent me that thing on introverts and while I would normally ignore his communication to try and give him a clear message that I wasn’t interested, this time I thanked him, because after all, he had helped me but that then led to a barrage of emails about a house he’s thinking of moving to and emails about his health again and even emails about what we were doing together two years ago, eventually he sent me one saying, “It’s almost as if you’re frightened of the depth of feelings you have for me.”

I emailed him back saying, “I’m afraid you couldn’t be further from the truth. This may be hard to hear but I no longer have feelings for you. There is no depth of feelings for me to be frightened of. We made an agreement not to contact each other so you could focus on your relationship with Carol and yet you’ve periodically contacted me with updates about your health, for example. I’ve moved on; emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually and I actually find your updates quite intrusive. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, on the whole I’ve ignored them because I’ve been trying to give you a clear message that there is not going to be a future for us, at all. Someone once said to me that men will latch on to even the tiniest glimmer of hope and that men need to be told ‘Fuck off’ before they really get the message. That’s not something I would normally do but you don’t seem to be understanding my lack of replies or, when I do reply, you seem to take it as something else, as this afternoon’s email implies. I responded to you this time because I wanted to thank you for showing me something about myself that I wasn’t aware of but now, I’m afraid, you need to take this email as the fuck off that I probably should have said months ago. I am no longer in love with you. What we shared was lovely for the time we shared it but that time in our lives is over. We have not, nor will we have, a romantic connection in the future and I think it’s best if we cut all contact and you actually concentrate on the woman you do have in your life.”

He didn’t take it well, but I didn’t expect him too. He said something about there obviously being another ‘mug’ on the scene and how he was concentrating on the woman that wants to be in his life because she brings him nothing but love and acceptance and he threw a few more childish messages my way, all of which I ignored. It’s not easy for me to be so blunt. I went the ignore way in the hope he would get the message but he didn’t and I knew trying to be kind and nice would give him ammunition to twist around and turn into ‘she still loves me’. Eventually, I had to go with the old adage, ‘You’ve got to be cruel to be kind.’

This is about not only being kind to me but being kind to Phil too. He needed to hear there was no hope for us so he can let go, move on and stop thinking we will have a future together at some point because we just won’t. While I have probably hurt him, in the long term, I’m sure I’ve done him a favour because now he can focus on his life, either alone or with Carol and I can focus on mine. My next job – Tom and the unfinished business from last week.

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