I’m lost. Completely and utterly lost. No, actually I’m beyond lost. I’m empty. I am not sad, down or depressed, I just feel as though I’m not me. I can’t write the way or to the frequency I used to. My personal growth is currently lost to me and with it, the very essence of me feels lost and it’s making me feel empty. I don’t know why and I don’t know what to do. I sit, during the times I have nothing else to do, and I stare at my computer screen with nothing inspiring me to do anything. It’s so frustrating.
Yet when I look deeper at the emptiness, as deeply as I am able to right now, I can see that the emptiness is a longing; a deep need to have more in my life. Four years on my own have been good, it’s been time I’ve needed to really get to know myself, to understand what I will and won’t tolerate in life and to love myself fully but now my strongest sense is that it’s time to fill that void, not out of any desperate place but out of a great need to connect with another human being on a deeply personal level and because I’m so ready, and because it’s not arrived yet, I feel so utterly void of a fulfilled life.
I am still chatting to Michael sporadically and he, Linda and Colin are coming round for dinner in two weeks but I’m impatient and I want something more in my life, now. I sit back in life and I wait for things to happen; for my life’s purpose to magically appear, for work to materialise and for love to manifest but the older I get the more I realise that it just doesn’t work like that. If you want something in life, you have to go out there and get it so if I want love in my life, which I do once more, I’m going to have to do something about it. I’m going to have to get myself in shape, in all ways and then go out there and find someone to share my life with. If I don’t, I’m pretty certain I can expect this emptiness to continue and that’s the last thing I want.