The Resting Period

I had an epiphany today. It was helped by having a conversation with my friend, Ruth.  We spoke of the void that I’m currently finding myself in and I realised, as we spoke, that this is a very natural progression following what has occurred over the last year. The previous twelve months have really been a period of endings in so many ways. It’s like the old me has been dying away to make way for a new me to be born and I believe I’m in that final stage.

The endings all started at the end of my personal year, ie: just before my birthday and as I look back on the events of the last year it’s all fairly evident that what I am in now is a period of much needed emotional rest before the next chapter begins:

  • The first ending that happened was the relationship with Phil. While instigated by me, it was still a loss that I felt deeply. It was a loss of unconditional love and support and I really struggled to let go 100% Because of that difficulty I kept him in my life as a friend
  • My friendship with Theo came to a very natural end
  • I really started to work through the issues I had left with Tom. I wrote a long list of all the reasons that I’m sorry for what went wrong between us and I used it to see where I could grow. (This was the start of a very significant ending).
  • The money worries that I had were eased throughout the year
  • Dad moved sixty miles away which, again was an ending but it made me realise how much I value our relationship
  • I started clearing the house of clutter and crap. Everything I’d held on to ‘just in case’ I gave away
  • I said goodbye to my 30s, not a moment too soon
  • My aunt and uncle both died suddenly and really made me see how important it was for me to work through the issues I had with Mum and Dad
  • I put an end to the guilt I felt surrounding Nan’s death by working through what happened
  • I put a stop to a lot of old thought patterns of the ‘I’m not good enough’ variety that were playing on a loop in my mind
  • I conquered my fears of travelling alone and took the kids away a couple of times
  • I confronted my anxiety about relationships and worked through it, in theory
  • I went to counselling and totally committed to working through the issues with Mum that had completely blighted my life. It took six months of really hard, soul searching work, deep understanding and forgiveness but I achieved it
  • I began letting go of Alice when she got her first serious boyfriend knowing that she was probably going to lose her virginity to him and that it was not my place to stop that happening. This was one of the harder instances of letting go. After that followed her leaving school, starting work and college, and learning to drive. I’ve really had to dig deep to stop myself holding her back in childhood for my own needs and I’ve really had to learn to let go this year, knowing she is growing up and away from me
  • We let the Guinea pigs go
  • I worked through issues with my Dad and learned to understand and forgive him too
  • I listened to and acted on my intuition even though my brain was screaming the opposite and it resulted in really letting go of Tom once and for all, in every way I needed to
  • I let go and saw an ending to the old relationship with Sasha, instead I learned to love and accept her how she is, not how I want her to be and a new relationship is now slowly forming with her
  • The older girls’ relationship with their Dad broke down completely which saw another ending in my life. I lost my weekends to myself and I lost the last tiny bit of support he gave me
  • Katie and I went through a very stressful and difficult period when her school life ended and we made a choice to home educate her, a fact I didn’t realise was happening at the time it began but realised was the only option once it had really, already ended
  • I had to let go of my thoughts and beliefs that Katie is still a child and accept that she is also a young lady with her own hopes, dreams, wishes, fears and ambitions
  • I let go of my need to change my life, instead, I began to work with what I’ve got
  • I’ve begun to discover feelings that haven’t been in my life for a long time in the form of wanting to share my life with someone again. This has seen me having to face fears of letting go of being 100% single. I have enjoyed being single, it has served me very well, letting go of that is something I am still in the process of
  • I stopped drinking almost completely, not that I was ever a big or regular drinker. The only times I had a drink throughout over the last year was on the nights I went out with friends which was only about a dozen times
  • I stopped wheat and caffeine from my diet and have seen huge improvements in my health because of it
  • I began to let go of my fear of being judged and I shared the most intimate parts of myself with my closest friends
  • At the same time, I stopped judging others. Although it’s not something I’ve done massively, it was something I still found myself doing occasionally. Now, most of the time, I am able to look at the much bigger picture which prevents a judgement
  • I stopped lying to myself
  • I ended the friendship with Phil because I could see how much it was holding me and him back
  • I let go of anger
  • I let go of the bullshit I’d held on to from childhood, instead choosing to see a different truth

Overall, my entire year has been one of letting go, endings and forgiveness and so where I find myself now, is the lull. The resting period. The last six to eight weeks have been ones of silence; no photography, very little writing, no personal growth, no spirituality. It’s also been weeks of utter exhaustion, I’m sleeping more than usual, I’m tired much of the time and I feel quite inactive, physically. However, I can also see that I have spent the entire year writing and working harder than I’ve ever worked and so this period of inactivity really, is a blessing. It’s a time for me to take stock of all I’ve achieved, really appreciate what I’ve done and just reside there and embrace the rest I obviously need because the void, the emptiness and the lack of connection to self that I’m currently feeling is surely nothing more than a womb and surely, all that’s going on is the waiting period before the new me is born.

As I approach my 41st birthday, I know that soon, life will be taking off again in directions I currently have no awareness of but with newfound strengths that have been developing and growing all the time I’ve been letting go and experiencing so many endings.

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