For the first time, I’m actually questioning if I made a mistake by not being with Phil. Constantly over the last two days, he has been popping into my mind, it’s since the weekend when Michael came around for dinner and everything about the evening made me question him and I’ve started comparing Michael to Phil.
With Phil, I could have had a relationship with a man where I could completely be myself. I could have had a man that was totally accepting of all the kids and of me, even at my worst. During the dinner date, Michael made a negative comment about a woman being drunk and how her husband must have been so proud and I realised that Phil would have just laughed about it and not felt any shame.
I think I have probably thrown away a chance of great love and happiness with Phil simply because I couldn’t get over his body size and because I always focus on the negatives and not on the positives. I’m still the pampered little princess waiting for perfect Prince Charming to come and rescue me. Ironically, I probably had the most perfect man in Phil and I literally told him to fuck off. What an idiot.
Today I did the Christmas food shopping and I suddenly noticed the huge change that has occurred in me. Everywhere I looked there were couples and families and it made me feel envious and lonely. The more I saw, the more I longed to be a part of a loving couple out shopping together and then spending the evening together. When I was with Phil, I would mock the same couples and say I couldn’t think of anything worse than walking around a supermarket together and now I’m questioning if part of my reason for not being with him was also about the timing?
Phil came into my life just eighteen months after I left Tom. I wasn’t over Tom at all, I wasn’t over the pain or the rejection and I wasn’t ready to let go. That took a further two and a half years but eighteen months after walking away from the man I loved, Phil stumbled into my life and then pushed and pushed for something that I simply wasn’t ready for at that point in my life. Love and commitment. I just wasn’t ready. Not with Phil and not with anyone else either. My wounds were still too raw and my love for Tom was still too strong.
This last year I have really worked hard on my old hurts and I’ve now totally let go of Tom. I no longer feel love for him and I’m no longer hurting either and it’s now that I finally feel ready and able to allow love into my life but the man that was practically perfect for me has gone because I sent him away, again and again, and again.