I received a message on the dating site this morning, it said, “I’ll get straight to the point. You’re super beautiful. How are you single?” It really took me by surprise. Am I? Am I really super beautiful? I’m not stupid or blind, I know I’m fairly pretty when I make an effort but super beautiful? Me? Or did I just fall for a line that’s probably churned out to every woman on the site?
The bigger question though was “How are you single?” How am I or why am I? It’s clear from this man’s words that he thinks that if you look good, you shouldn’t be single but that’s not the case for me. In all the time I’ve been single it’s not like I’ve had a string of men chasing me. There have been a few men interested but all of them I have knocked back after a certain amount of time so am I single because I knock people back and don’t let people in or because I’ve wanted to be single? It’s certainly true to say that I have definitely wanted to be single, at least for the first few years after Tom but that doesn’t seem to be true now. Now, I’m ready for love, well, I want love; I’m not sure I’m ready but I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely ready. I think it’s just going to be one of those things that I make myself do even when it’s uncomfortable because while it’s something I really do want, it’s not something that comes easily to me. The whole letting go of me as an individual in charge of my own destiny and actually letting someone in on that is something I find incredibly difficult and is possibly one of the reasons why I am single now.
I didn’t actually need to be single for almost five years, did I? I could have put myself out there, opened myself up to the possibility of love and actually had some fun with it but instead, I closed down almost completely and haven’t let anyone in due to one fear or another and that’s the bottom line. I’m single because I’m scared. Still, after all this time and all this work, I’m still bloody scared.